Sitting with Discomfort

When you can't self care your way out of it, you have two choices- you can numb it, or you can sit with it.

It's something I came face to face with multiple times over the past week plus. It's why I didn’t blog last week for the first time since I started this blog. At first, it was exhaustion showing up, which led to a lack of creativity/headspace. I actually started to write, but it felt forced. I was overthinking it. So I decided maybe what I needed was to give myself a little bit of a break, in one of the few areas of my life right now where I knew I could make the call to pull the plug. So I gave myself grace and skipped it. But the rest of my responsibilities were still there. I still had work commitments that I had to get through. So I powered through and got everything done. But everything had sort of this shadow over it in some way. I doubted my work creatively and started down an overanalyzing spiral. I was doubting very basic things that ordinarily shouldn't cause doubt. My body was starting to feel uncomfortable and was clearly keeping the score of everything I was forcing it to do. I started to get clumsy- it was like my brain wasn't fully with me. I knocked over a glass of red wine all over my couch, and even worst, knocked over a vase a client gave me to design in- shattering it all over the concrete floor of my garage studio. It was symbolic of how I felt in many ways.

During the day I would force myself to do all the work I needed to do. I just powered through. I even continued to work out despite my body visibly showing me it was done. But when the end of the day hit, I crashed. Every day. I became this sort of zombie. I ate whatever was easy (and not usually what would have made me feel better), and I was drinking every night. Without realizing it, I was sort of numbing out. Crashing. The vase crashing and the wine spilling happened the same day, and it sort of snapped me out of my haze. I knew I needed to reset. Every day is a new day and a new opportunity to change course. I had a little moment to feel bad about myself, but then quickly got to the phase of, "ok, how am I turning this around?" I knew I couldn't continue at that rate through the end of the year. It would be totally unsustainable, and would likely lead to me getting sick- which I find is also the point your body gets to when you don't acknowledge the little nudges it gives to try to tell you to slow down.  

So I reset. I put together a sweeping self care plan. I booked a massage for this coming week to work through the pain I've been experiencing. I did a workout that would help clear my head. I cleaned my house, my garage studio. I decorated our house for the holidays and finally got rid of all signs of Thanksgiving/fall. I put together a list of groceries with easy, healthy recipes for this coming week to not end up in the same end of day haze that prevents me from eating the way I want to/that supports me. I've committed to not drinking Monday-Thursday of this week to reset and get out of that rhythm I had fallen into. I thought in my mind, that I could self care my way out of this haze. It worked for about 24 hours.

I got hit with something personal that deeply affected me emotionally. It set me right back. So I was at the same point again. How was I going to handle it? Was I going to try to numb my way out of it? I had already done that earlier in the week. Then I followed it up with all the self care, so what was really left? To sit with it. That was all that was really left. To sit with the pain, the discomfort, the difficult emotions. It's pretty much the worst. But sometimes there really is no alternative. You can numb, but it's only a temporary. Same goes for self care. So sometimes the only way through it truly is to just sit with it. I'm still sitting with it right now as I write this. And it's ok. I'll survive. I know that the pain will dull as time goes on. But I can't speed up the timeline of it. It will progress on it's own. It won't always be like this. So I am sitting with it. I am also using this as an opportunity to be grateful. There is infinitely more for me to be grateful for, than to be sad about. I have an amazing support system, which I know is more than many people have. I have dogs who are constant companions and who bring joy and laughter when I need it most. I write this in a home that I've built with my husband. I have my health. There is so much I am grateful for that I could type forever, but these are the things I think of immediately that are supporting me through the discomfort I'm currently in. Being grateful gives a level of comfort when you really need it.

If you're sitting in discomfort right now, I'm giving you a big virtual hug. We will get through this <3

xo