Rebounding from a Holiday Meltdown

Long time no talk!!! It has been a few weeks since I've shown up here!

It was the first time I've taken a few weeks off from blogging. It felt necessary. While there was plenty I could have shared that I've been learning, I was deep in processing mode. And I also just truthfully didn't have the energy or mental space to give. I was feeling sort of depleted. But I'm showing up today because it seems really fitting to talk about rebounding, as I'm here- rebounding from the last few weeks. Sometimes the easiest thing to do when we're deep in it, is to just keep moving. Keep getting the things done we have to. Power through. It's how I would describe the past few weeks. I knew everything I had to focus on, had deadlines in place, and I just kept myself focused. What I didn't do was acknowledge all that was weighing me down. I think I worried if I did that, I'd crumble. And that wasn't an option. But I know that whenever that build up occurs, it eventually has to come crumbling back down. I think this time of year makes it especially easy for this to happen. We've all got a lot weighing on us. I can trace back to where the crumbling started for me. Beginning of November. First I got sick, and that sickness ended up continuing for 3 weeks. It threw me off my game, my routines, etc. But again, I had to power through. Add the election and aftermath of that. Then add Thanksgiving. Add Mercury Retrograde which threw things off on a whole other level. Add work stress. Hosting 4 classes in 6 days. Add managing other people's emotions and needs. Add social commitments that should be and are enjoyable, but you feel like you have very little of your self left to give. Now add that your pants are feeling tight, because there hasn't been the time or energy to really take care of yourself. You feel it, and it shows. The end result? 

Yesterday I had a full blown meltdown over our Christmas tree. It wasn't the tree, of course. Not really. I mean ok so it sort of is about the tree LOL. There was sort of a lot of build up and pressure to get a tree at this point. Afterall, it was December 14th and we still didn't have one. We went last weekend and nothing appealed to me, so we left without one. At that point I didn't feel too stressed about the situation, and I didn't want to force getting a tree if it wasn't the right one. Fast forward to yesterday, when I felt this strong urge to get our house decorated for Christmas. I hadn't had the time until then, so there wasn't a speck of Christmas to be seen. The wreath maker/teacher had no wreath on her own door. I'm sure you know the feeling. So I spent the morning out in the cold, decking the halls. Same for inside. Pine needles everywhere. So then logically we needed to cross the tree off our list. I should have known the stars weren't aligned. I know what it feels like when they are. I walk on the lot, and pretty immediately find the tree. That's how it usually goes. Finally at one point I knew I had found "the one." The only problem was that it was a littleeeee too tall. No problem said the tree man. He could cut it down to the size we needed. Until he heard that our ceilings are 7 ft 6 inches and the tree I had my heart set on was 10 feet. He told me it was too risky to cut so much, and that it might end up changing the shape of the tree. And I didn't want to see a gorgeous tree butchered for my own selfish desires. Some family with 10+ feet ceilings should get that tree. So I settled on a tree Jeb picked, that was a very reasonable 7 ft. It wasn't speaking to me, but Jeb liked it- so I compromised. I couldn't see any tree as an option outside the one I had set my heart on. So we took the 7 ft tree and we tied the tree down onto our car roof, and went out to celebrate with a festive holiday cocktail at our favorite outdoor bar. Then we did a little shopping on our way home. By the time we got home, I was fueled by mulled wine and festive feelings and relief that we finally had a tree. Then we put the tree up, and I started crying. It wasn't at all what I wanted or envisioned. It was the smallest tree we've ever bought (for a cool $127). I had this vision in my mind. I really wanted to recreate a modern day version of the Christmas vacation family Christmas tree. I wanted something nostalgic, and something the opposite of my usual "classy" white lit Christmas tree. I wanted it to be a statement tree. I even got the big colorful bulbs for lights, and tinsel. So after my meltdown, I thought- maybe if I add the lights and tinsel it'll look better. It did not. At least not in my eyes. It wasn't what I expected. It wasn't what I envisioned. I stepped away from the tree and we watched Home Alone. It was then that the real meltdown happened, where the movie triggered some deeper feelings that apparently needed to come to the surface. It wasn't about the tree. Of course it wasn't (even though all my opinions of the tree still stand lol). It was about trying to recreate a moment from my childhood. It was about trying to reclaim that time in my life, that memory. That time when my family was all together. But when I really revisit that memory honestly, I can see something really profound. That memory was also built out of a chaotic time, and a time where things were not going as planned or expected. The memory is actually based on how we made the best of a situation that hadn't gone to plan. And the experience of going through that together, and making it out to the other side.

I'll have to take you back to when I was in high school for this one. Our family unit was experiencing some challenges, and we were doing our best to put on a brave face and find some joy in the holidays. We went to a tree farm that we hadn't been to before, and we spotted our Clark Griswold tree. It was massive. With everything that was going wrong, it felt like we had finally hit the jackpot by finding the perfect Christmas tree. It appeared to be a cut your own tree kind of farm, so we had to get down with our saw and assess the work ahead. Turns out, the tree had morphed into 1 tree via 3 trees. Something we didn't really learn until we were already cutting it. So essentially the tree kind of fell apart when we chopped it down. It would need major surgery when we got home. The next problem was that we couldn't find anyone to help us get the tree on the roof. Or to pay. Seemed a bit odd. So we were all taking off our belts, scarves, anything that could be used as a makeshift rope to attach this tree to our car roof. We put cash in the mailbox in the absense of finding anyone to pay. The aha moment occurred later when we realized perhaps we had just cut a tree down in a random yard vs. an actual tree farm. But that's not the point ;) And things like that were more acceptable in the 90s lol. We got home and had to duct tape our tree back together. But when it was up, it was the most beautiful tree we'd ever had. We had an annual Christmas party at our house and everyone would compliment us on how it was the most amazing tree they'd ever seen. Only we knew how it came to be. Or that it was being held together by duct tape.

Fast forward to today. A combination of being over tired, over stimulated, and just generally depleted- combined with a desire to try to recreate nostalgic moments from my past in an attempt to fill a void. To try to bring back moments and people that I miss. I texted my Dad about my tree meltdown and shared a pic. He was with one of my brothers and they had just gone to get a tree for my dad's apartment too. They told me that my tree was perfect just as it is. That they loved it. They were decorating my dad's tree and sending me pics of ornaments from our past. Including little ornament frames with pictures of us from when we were young. We had a little walk down nostalgia lane, while in very different circumstances now. It made me come to terms with the whole situation. I realized that we can reminisce about the past, and attempt to recreate moments from it. It's something we often do when we're seeking comfort. But that's not what life is really about. Not to mention, we often see the past with rose colored glasses vs. remembering the less pleasant nuances. Life is about what we're creating moving forward. It's about making the best out of the circumstances we find ourselves in right now. It's about being really honest with ourselves about what is really at the core of what we're feeling and why we're seeking comfort. It's about acknowledging the people who love and support us in the now, and holding on tight to them. Jeb comforted me during my meltdown, and offered suggestions of how I might address what was really bothering me. Then he offered for us to get a new tree today. It turns out, that was all I needed. Someone to hold space for me to just feel what I was feeling. It was that moment that allowed me to wake up from my meltdown and see things more clearly.

Today I woke up with a bit of an emotional hangover, but then I got down to it. I accepted that the tree is perfect as it is. It just wasn't what I planned or expected. And that's ok. I recommitted myself to decorating it, and I was able to fully appreciate it for what it is. It's my Christmas tree of today. Not of my past, not indicative of my future. It's the tree of right now. And I don't need to change it or force it to be something it's not.

The more we really feel things and work through them, the easier it is to rebound. To dust ourselves off and get back up. We can choose to wallow, or we can choose to be present. We can choose what's right in front of us and the new opportunities we're given every moment to show up differently. To be more accepting of what is. To live in the moment instead of in the past. To not make up elaborate stories or assign meaning to things when it's not truly helpful to do so. To acknowledge that it's not about what happens to us in life, but rather what our response is. And today, I choose to be in the moment. With my tiny tim tree that is full of color and life.

XO