MIA

Well, that escalated quickly! I know, I know… it's been a hot minute.

Well, actually it's been about 15 weeks, but who's counting… besides me lol. So first I figured I'd address the elephant in the room and address why I've been MIA from showing up around here! The intention of this blog has always been first and foremost about authenticity, vulnerability, and connection. And I will always stay true to that, even when it's not as easy to share. There isn't one reason in particular that I haven't been showing up here. And don't we always wish everything was simple and succinct? But that's just not life. We're complex beings, and the reasons we do things (or don't) are also often complex. So some of the reasons I've been MIA may be relatable, while others might be uniquely my own brand of crazy.  

My "little" break from blogging was supposed to be about a month long. The first month that I planned my little blogging break was to focus on work. It was just really needed, and it felt intuitively like the right move. I hadn't given myself the permission to take that kind of break from blogging since I started, so it felt easier to give myself permission. What I wasn't prepared for was the affect it had on me, and why it ended up becoming a much longer hiatus. The truth is, I actually went back to writing on June 7th. I wrote an entire post that never saw the light of day. Then I wrote another post on July 7th. Also never saw the light of day. With both posts,  I knew going into writing them what I wanted to talk about, but I found it was hard to actually get the thoughts from deep in my brain out onto my laptop. I had to really work at it. It didn't flow out of me. I re-wrote them and re-organized them multiple times. By the time I finished writing them, rather than feeling satisfied, I felt unsure of what I had written. I started questioning if they were meant to be published because it came with such hesitation, such struggle. I opted not to hit publish. With time and space from that feeling, I can understand that the feelings I had came down to two major internal blocks. One was just feeling that awkwardness of getting back in the game when you've been on the sidelines for awhile. The idea of a body in motion stays in motion. With too much time away, it was hard to get back in my groove. I was rusty AF. The second major block was something I realized is the larger theme at hand that is impacting me in many areas of my life- and that is people pleasing and fear of rejection. An old wound that results in me playing small and taking a back seat. A tactic to protect myself and fly under the radar. A habit that I know doesn't get me where I want to be in life. I've worked hard over the past 10+ years to combat these feelings and old habits, but they came flying back in with vengeance. And really, it's been showing up in smaller ways that I haven't been fully owning.

This sort of spiraled into self doubt around what this Blog is for. Part of the reason I gave myself permission to take a much needed step back and break from blogging was wondering if it was having any impact or whether anyone would notice if I just stopped. That made me question whether I needed to re-evaluate the purpose of this blog in my life, and in others. I think this is a perfectly reasonable question for myself after 2 years of blogging nearly every week. Truthfully, I don't have the answer yet. But I've also realized I'm ok with it. I'm reevaluating, and maybe the end result will be a change, and maybe it won't. Until then, what I do know is that I'm going to continue trusting my intuition in deciding how to proceed. If I feel called to write, I'm going to write. If I feel called to share it, I will. If I decide not to, I'm going to be ok with that too. If I get back into a routine of writing and/or sharing, great. If it happens more randomly/organically, I'm going to accept that change. I also contemplated whether I should make a move that many other writers and bloggers have made to protect some of their content behind a paid subscription model; allowing myself some level of privacy in sharing certain content with only paid subscribers. That's something I'm still not sure about. What I do know is that this introspection on my blog in and of itself represents major growth and change on my part. My old people pleasing ways are becoming more of a thing of the past as I start to prioritize myself and how I feel about what I'm doing, how I'm living my life, the decisions I'm making. The rigidity with which I forced myself to show up every week? That's old programming. That's being a good girl. And for what?

I've started to realize that even when we leave a situation that's no longer working for us (a job, a relationship, etc.) it's easy to put ourselves back in the same situation- just with a different environment or flavor. Corporate America was a box I put myself in, that aligned with all the things leading up to that point. The private school education, the need to try to be like everyone else, to go to college, become an RA, be the good girl. Corporate America was the straw that broke my back. But even though I gave that up, died my hair pink, and went rogue starting my own business and working at a wine shop, in many ways I've kept living in this same box. It was just pink instead of brown. It was a box of my own creation. And it was based on what I knew. I was still repeating a lot of the same patterns because that was just what I knew. I started treating the blog that way. And for what? And for who? No one was putting me in there but myself. In fact, only 1 person in my life has asked why I haven't been blogging. ONE. And this is a newer friend, too. That really hit me. So all of this putting myself in this box was for…..what? Hence, all the self reflection ;)

Taking time away has allowed me to recalibrate. It's allowed me to revisit myself and how I want to live my life, what I want to  share of it, and what my purpose is. I've been leaning back on my favorite way to do just this, which is Human Design. I've been revisiting my design to remind me of who I came here to be. Who I am at my core. One of the other major reasons I've taken a step back is because of everything that's going on in our country, and in the world at a larger scale. The amount of pain and suffering and complete cruelty has made me question how to show up in the world. What to share about my feelings on the topic, what my role is in not being complicit. I've struggled to know my place. I've struggled to show up as if everything is "normal." I've struggled to appear tone deaf if I don't speak up. When frankly, it consumes so much of my mind and my heart right now. How do I balance trying to live in joy and gratitude, and standing up to all of the horrors outside my home?

I can feel myself in the midst of a major upleveling. What's going on in this world is providing perspective on how easy it is to lose everything. How important our own efforts are to live a life of joy, peace and abundance however we can. It's making the people pleasing a harder and harder pill to swallow these days. I'm starting to respect myself and this life I'm creating too much to self abandon. Too much to not speak up, whether for myself or for others. Too much to play small. I don't have it all figured out, but it's a taste of where I'm heading.

You coming with?

XO