Expectations

You know the expression, "comparison is the thief of joy"? I think we can add expectations in there too. 

And similar to comparison, I think we often have expectations subconsciously. I don't think we are largely aware of our expectations, until they show up in the form of disappointment. Then it becomes clear that there was in fact, an idea we had of how things would go, how someone who respond to us, etc. I think expectations get formed in a few ways. One way is that we rely on memory of our past, and have an expectation that things will go the same way as they did previously. Another way expectations are formed is when we rely on our own experience and our own way of being as a barometer for how others will be. The third way we form expectations I believe comes from things outside our own world, like what society shows us we should expect. Take the classic childhood fairy tale for example. The damsel in distress, saved by a prince. These concepts root themselves into our subconscious at a very young age. Then add in all your real life experiences, that continue to shape your expectations for the future. It's totally natural. It's a form of self protection to rely on what we've been through or what we've witnessed as a precursor for what's to come.

After a rough couple weeks, I was looking forward to my birthday this past week. I figured it was an excuse to have some fun and break up some of the challenges of the last few weeks. I grew up in a family full of March birthdays. Between my Dad, my 2 brothers, and myself, our birthdays fall on March 20, 28, 29, 31. What this meant growing up was a sort of joint birthday celebration that became tradition. It meant that there felt like endless celebration for the 2nd half of the month. It always felt like a joyful time. It wasn't something I considered because it was just so engrained into our way of life, until it wasn't part of our life anymore. Sure, the birthdays remain the same. But the celebration as a family discontinued. With a fractured family unit where some people are in communication and others are not, now that time has become a very different experience. It feels like my heart forgets this every year. Every year March comes, and my heart is ready to experience joy and celebration. Then my head comes in and reminds me that that isn't the reality any more. I crave the simpler, joy filled time. I also realize I took for granted that there was a built in celebration of my birthday that I didn't have to give much thought. I think that's true for all of us on some level. I sometimes envy people like my husband who genuinely couldn't care less about his birthday. For the beginning half of our relationship, I thought he was lying. I mean surely, everyone loves their birthday. So I would plan special trips and surprise parties for him etc., treating it the way I would want to be treated. I've come to realize now that he truly doesn't care, so I've stopped forcing the issue. But I realize some of that was also projection. It was me treating him the way I want to be treated and celebrated. The problem is, birthdays were never a big deal to him. So he doesn't understand how they would be to me, nor would there be any reason for him to understand my absurd expectations based on my childhood experiences. I think it would be hard for most to understand the way the 2nd half of March was a giant birthday celebration in our household. I think another way to explain it would be the way as adults we wish we could recreate our experience during the holidays, to feel that same magical way we did as kids. Many people have kids of their own and try to replicate that experience, or make it the experience they didn't get as a child. As adults we become more acutely aware in these situations that the magic has to be created by us. We're now the ones in charge. And part of that has to come from releasing expectations for things to look like they use to, or to expect others to understand our very unique experiences.

I had this realization this week that my old people pleasing and acceptance/validation wounds were coming up again. I realized that subconsciously, I was viewing my birthday as something that would only be celebrated if someone else deemed it worthy of making a to do about. Of planning something around. That it was narcissistic and childish to make a big deal about. Besides the fact that plenty of people don't care about their birthday, so why am I making something out of nothing? I talked to my Dad on my birthday, and told him how I was feeling about my birthday situation. I wanted to know if I was nuts, and making something out of nothing. I asked him if I had rose colored classes on, recalling what the month use to look like. He said that I did not. That it was, in fact, always a big time of celebration and joy. And then he gave me the permission slip I didn't realize I needed. He told me that now when his birthday rolls around every March, he considers how he would like to spend it that would feel celebratory to him. He invites people to parts of it if he wants to, but without expectation that they will be the ones to bring him joy. That he's doing what he wants to do, and if others are a part of it, great. And if not, it's not going to negatively impact his experience. This whole concept felt invigorating, and I decided to apply it immediately to my day. Who cares that it was a Monday lol. I also realized how much my expectations were affecting my ability to experience any joy that day, and vowed to immediately drop those and focus on maximizing my own experience. What's funny is that as soon as I did that, I was really able to notice the really sweet gestures or messages that came my way, and it dulled my reaction to anything that normally would have bummed me out (people who are close to me forgetting my birthday all together or just choosing not to reach out). I realized that this birthday situation is an inside job.  

It's interesting because there was a big part of my life where I started to become hyper independent, and not looking for help or trusting that anyone could do the things I could but me. I reached a point of softening when I dropped some of that hyper vigilance, some of which I now recognize was trauma response based. As I softened and accepted more help and support, with that came more vulnerability. I think that's where I've landed now. The work I still have to do is learning to balance the two. How to be independent, but still accept help. How to celebrate myself, but also accept it from others. How to go about all of that without expectation. I also think it's ok to be disappointed sometimes. Sometimes the disappointment just points to what matters to us, and allows us to figure out how to prioritize those things.

I don't have it all figured out, but what I do know is that when I lessen my expectations, I'm more acutely aware of the good stuff. Maybe some of the things I notice and appreciate I wouldn't have, because I was so busy in my own expectations of how things should or would play out. And this time next year, I won't set myself up for being disappointed by my own unrealistic expectations. I won't wait for anyone to read my mind, or do what I would have done. I will take back the reigns and I will prioritize what's important to me, and prioritize my own joy and celebration in whatever way I want- and not worry if it's ridiculous to anyone else.

XO