Choose Your Hard

We can do hard things has been a quote we've clung onto. I'm going to take it one step further with a twist and say, we are always doing hard things.

It's just a matter of which hard we're choosing. Sometimes we don't even know we're in the midst of choosing one hard thing over another. Top of my mind this week was the choice of security vs. purpose.

This week I got together with one of my close friend, who was in town for work. We met in our early 20s in those formidable years where you're really just starting to find yourself. Where you're throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. We met in a shared corporate job. While on our way to dinner, I ran into another friend (we also met in a different shared corporate job, but in our 30s) who I hadn't seen in 8 years. She ended up joining us for dinner. So there we were, rehashing stories from our shared experiences and talking about what's new and what's to come. Both of these friends have now spent 15 and 11 years respectively at their companies. The familiar comments surfaced from both of them that they couldn't believe how much time they'd stayed at their respective companies. That it wasn't out of love for the job, or the company- but rather out of a sense of security. And the biggest common denominator was the money. Staying because they felt like they couldn't make more if they left, and feeling like they couldn't take a pay cut. They both felt… stuck. It's a feeling I understand well because I was in the same boat before leaving corporate America behind. And for the record, I'm not someone who thinks you have to be out of corporate America to be happy or find purpose. I think frankly you can be happy and find purpose in any environment- as long as it's the right one for you. And that experience is unique to each person. But I have found that the alure of the security of corporate America has a tight grip on a lot of us, and that it usually means making a compromise on what we really want to be doing. Afterall, everyone hates their job… right?

Making decisions based on security and money is a very real and very valid experience. I would argue that it's the norm. There is nothing that leaves you more untethered than a lack of security. But how much of that security, or fear of lack of it, is real? If you lost your job tomorrow, would you have no one to lean on? No where to go? I would argue for most people, you have some sort of safety net. You just don't want to have to use it. And the bigger question becomes- is this life we're living just about surviving? Is that enough? It's definitely not the path to finding our purpose. I've realized in my own experience that purpose isn't something we can think our way into. Of course it has to start with thought and reflection. But then we need to move right into the doing part. We have to experiment and try things on for size. See how it feels, then pivot if it's not it. And that's where we get hung up. That leap of trying something new, in potential sacrifice of our security.

As far as my own security is concerned vs. my journey with purpose, I'll be totally honest about my experience. I went from a job in a corporate America making 6 figures, then made a major pivot (in an effort to find purpose) to a nonprofit job, where I made about 1/3. No joke. In case I hadn't tested my security enough, I then shifted to unexpectedly becoming an entrepreneur. Being an entrepreneur has brought on financial insecurity in a way I had never experienced before. I've had to change my lifestyle, lean more heavily on my husband's steady paycheck in tough seasons (something I never felt comfortable doing), take risks I've felt wildly uncomfortable about, work side jobs to make ends meet. It has not been easy. When I was in corporate America, I never gave money a second thought. I barely ever looked at my bank account. I didn't need to. Everything was on auto payment. On the flip side, I was living a life that wasn't really mine. Most of my time and energy went into other people's goals and dreams, which I was being paid to help fulfill. I didn't even know what my goals and desires were. And the spare time I did have, I spent my paycheck filling the remaining pieces of my life with things, with experiences, with… noise. Because I could. And because- what else was I doing with that downtime? I wasn't in a place to even consider my purpose. I didn't have the headspace. I was in the rat race. I have zero regrets about that time, because it also afforded me to do things that were really meaningful at the time. To see places and do things that wouldn't be a possibility right now.  

Today my life looks very different. Nothing is on auto payment any more. Everything I spend money on I'm mindful about. Unexpected expenses come as huge blows. That level of stress is not for everyone. I'll be honest in saying, I wish it were different. But. On the flip side, here's what I also traded. I'm not spending my time building someone else's dream. I'm building my own. And I can build as many as I want, and change them whenever I want. I work with clients and partner with people and businesses where we're in alignment and a good fit for each other, with shared goals and visions. I don't say yes to things that my gut says no to. I don't work with people who aren't an energetic match or who don't share my values. I don't force myself to be a square peg in a round hole. I live in the moment more. I appreciate the little things. I'm mindful about everything. I choose how I spend my time and my days. I choose what I fill them with. I pivot. A lot. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I also trust myself that if things got too hard and I needed some more financial security, I'd figure that out and do what I needed to do. I'm not afraid to pivot. But for now, I maintain faith that there will be a point where my purpose and security will be equal, and I won't have to choose. I know that's a hard concept for some to wrap their heads around. But it's something I've always maintained faith in, even in the hardest of times. That when we're truly in our purpose, the security will work itself out in unexpected ways. It's a game of faith.  

We choose our hard. Many of my friends are choosing the hard of being in a job they don't like in exchange for security. That has it's own challenges. I know, because I've now done both. And here's what I will say. Nothing has to be forever. We can choose differently at any time. Our life goes through seasons. We don't have to stay in one season forever. But it is a choice. Not changing is a choice. The idea of whether we can have it all? I believe we can have it all, but maybe not all at once. Maybe you're in a season where security is of the utmost importance. Maybe later you'll be in a season where while it still feels like a big risk, you feel better equipped to try something new out. The most important thing is that we keep evolving and changing, and not getting stuck in one season. I remember when we were leaving our apartment in Beacon Hill to move to our new home in Scituate, and I was still feeling scared about the big change. I kept thinking- we're giving up this perfect spot in Beacon Hill. What if it doesn't work out and I'm not happy? We'll never get a more perfect spot than this. That's a story. But I chose the risk, and the reward was greater. Much greater. But I wouldn't have known if I didn't take the risk. And by the way, when the risk doesn't work out? Who cares. Try again. Or, go back if you think that's really the right choice. But you never know until you try.

We're always doing hard things. Always. We get to choose which hard we're ready for in this season. But whatever you do, keep moving.  

xo