Mental Rehearsing
I've realized that I'm guilty of making up stories about people, and situations, without even realizing I'm doing it in the moment.
It's like an old grooved track that I keep finding myself going down. I don't even think about it or recognize it for what it is in that moment- which is a story I'm inventing. It's an act of self protection. A way to feel I've rehearsed something, uncovered the root of it, and to determine how I feel about it and how I'm going to react to it. It's like I'm constantly preparing for a pop quiz. Except I'm not memorizing facts for a quiz, I'm inventing fictitional scenarios and my potential reaction to them. It's the complete opposite of living in the moment. It's making up stories to support what's happened in the past, to prepare myself for possible future scenarios… that may never happen. Why? I think personally, it boils down to a few key challenges that I manage within myself. My sensitivity, anxiousness, and people pleasing tendencies. My sensitivity means that I feel things really strongly and deeply, and very quickly. My nervous system is constantly going into overdrive. Making up stories and rehearsing feels like a way to somehow prepare myself, as if I'm setting myself up to better handle the situations as they arise. To not feel totally shocked when they happen. My anxiousness means that often when scenarios come up, I feel like I'm not equipped in the moment to react verbally in the way I want to. It takes me time to process. So I hate the feeling that something will arise, and I won't be ready with a response. My people pleasing (along with a very strong sense of empathy) means that my default reaction is often to be the problem solver and to choose the path that works best for everyone else. Regardless if it isn't what’s best for me. Decades of doing that has led me to resentment, and feeling taken advantage of. And it's totally self induced, because I set myself up. So in an effort to not fall in that pattern, I make up stories and rehearse scenarios where I mentally practice how I'm going to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of. Where I'm going to choose myself.
I think this all seems pretty reasonable and makes sense as to why I make up stories and rehearse. The issue is that it's not productive or healthy, it takes up a lotttt of head space, and it's not even necessarily effective. It's like trying to prepare yourself for someone you love to die. Anything you rehearse or predict, it's never the way it unfolds. It's never the exact way you'll feel. Even a psychic can't predict every last detail of how something unfolds. So what's the point? It's the same as the idea that worrying makes you suffer twice. Here's what I'm trying to remind myself when I slip into moments of mental rehearsal and story telling-
You can't predict exactly how it will unfold. And even if you could, in the moment you may feel differently than you think you'll feel. So a different reaction may be needed regardless.
You are robbing yourself of joy by not living in the moment. By focusing on either making up stories about the past (which you have zero control over changing) or making up stories about things that may happen in the future (which may not happen at all, or likely won't happen in the way you anticipate you will).
It's ok to not have the answer. You don't have to have a perfect reaction or response right in the moment. You can delay a response or answer if you feel too overwhelmed to make it in that moment.
You can change your mind. If you don't react exactly how you want in a moment, you can change your mind. You're allowed to course correct. It's ok. No one's perfect.
Not everything requires strategy. Especially when you're dealing with humans, who are all doing the best they can, and are imperfect.
It's not personal. Everyone is making up their own stories. About themselves, and therefore about you. They might be doing the same thing you are. So they're trying to protect themselves and their interests in the same way you are. So remember that most of the responses we get from other people are reflections on those people and their inner world, and less so about you. You just happen to be the recipient.
Trust yourself. Trust in yourself enough to let go and believe that you have the ability to figure it out in the moment when whatever it is, arises. You've got this.
Old habits die hard. But I'm committed to improving on the things that don't serve me anymore. It's why I'm here sharing with you.
XO
