The Right to Choose- Part 1

This upcoming election has me back to the days of paying attention to the news all the time.

On the one hand, some of the recent events has me invigorated and excited by the possible change in tide, while on the other hand, I'm back to feeling this level of hyper vigilance to know everything that's being discussed. This feeling like I can't miss a detail of what's happening. I've been really inspired by the number of people coming forward to voice their opinions, in a time where I feel like we really need to all start stepping up. Both on behalf of ourselves, and for others who need that support.  The risk of what's at stake for so many of us, and for the people in our lives, is too important. Part of my journey and this blog has been about opening up myself, being vulnerable, and using my voice in a way that I think could help others or at least make people feel less alone. It's unchartered territory for me, because speaking up and talking about things that may be controversial goes against how I was raised.

I grew up in a family that wasn't very communicative, which I know is super common for my generation and those before us. It wasn't a household of sharing your feelings, of being vulnerable, or of talking about anything remotely taboo. Analyzing it now, I think it comes from a place of people pleasing, of wanting to fit in, and as not wanting to be seen as other. I think that's why many households keep their heads down and try not to draw attention to themselves. The reality is, every household has their "dirty secrets." The things they don't want anyone outside their household to know about. It's self protection and preservation at play. There is something to be said about a feeling of comfort keeping it all hidden beneath the surface. But it doesn't prevent damage from happening under the surface. As the oldest child, I understood my role as the role model, as the rule follower, as the one to not cause waves. For the most part, I upheld my role well. I wanted to be a rule follower, and someone who didn't f* up.

My first big opportunity to speak up and make a big choice came when it was time to decide on a college. Luckily, it turned out my first choice aligned exactly with where my parents and college counselor saw me going. When I decided to go to Simmons for college, it really came down to a gut feeling on my choice. To be honest, I wasn't really into the idea of surrounding myself with only women for the next 4 years of my life. It wasn't an environment I saw myself in, nor did I feel a specific inclination to only choose to be in school with women, when there were so many options to choose from. As someone who grew up with only brothers and not sisters, and who had an equal amount of male friends vs. female, it just wasn't something I had ever considered. But when it came time to do my college visits, it just came down to my gut feeling. Of everywhere I visited, there was something I couldn't put into words about Simmons. It just felt like my home. And so I put aside any hesitation and went with my gut, and when asked about the all women environment, I said what I had heard drilled into me countless times by those who were "team Simmons"- "It's in Boston so it's not really a big deal, there are plenty of guys around!" I can say whole heartedly that those were some of the best years of my life. And it's where I started to find my own voice, and to make my own choices. I took on my new found identity at an all women's school quickly and with ease. I became an RA, allowing me to be in a leadership role to other women. I took a class where I actually learned how to fly a plane. I joined the feminist group. I was a yes girl. I said yes to anything. I was fully soaking up the all women's college experience. So when a friend asked me if I wanted to join a group of Simmons women to take a bus overnight to DC to march for women's right to choose, it was a hell yes for me. To be honest, I really didn't know going into it what to expect. I didn't even really understand what I was marching for. But if it was for women, and for women's rights, I was in. I remember arriving in DC, sleep deprived from our bus trip, only to be bombarded with the other people marching. And they were decidedly not there with the same goal. I vividly remember the graphic pictures of fetuses and words of hatred being shouted from the other side- many of the people shouting were women. I didn't understand. It was only then that I really started to understand both sides of the argument. It was only then that I further understood the importance of the right to choose, when faced with horrific instances of rape and incest as well- things I hadn't even considered up until then. It made me come to terms with my own ideas around the right to choose. As someone who was raised Christian (we'll refer to it as Christian "lite"), and who was at a women's school, and who had access to birth control, I made up my mind on the issue. As far as I saw it, a woman should always have the right to choose. How on earth could she not? It was her body, her life. But, as far as my own personal morales, I decided that if it happened to me, I wouldn't make the choice to get an abortion. I would follow the unspoken rules. Turns out, it's really easy to make decisions about things when they aren't actually your reality. And then it became my reality.

I was fresh out of college and in my first temp job. I had been feeling sick, and figured I had come down with the flu. There seemed to be no end in sight, and I felt literally debilitated. Until one morning as I was walking to my job and passed a dumpster outside a restaurant. I thought the smell was going to make me vomit right on the sidewalk in front of everyone. It was then that I had the sickest feeling of all in my gut- I was pregnant. I stopped in a CVS before I got to my job, pregnancy test in hand, and I took the test in the office bathroom. Positive. I had made a solid group of new friends my age at this job, and one of my friends was in the bathroom with me. It was only in this moment, when I learned that this friend, along with multiple others I was working with, had found themselves in the exact same situation. I suddenly felt less alone, which was helpful in navigating what I had to go through next. But it also made me think- wow. No one ever talks about this. To this day, you hear a lot of the worst case stories of abortion- pregnancies that were aborted due to rape and other horrible scenarios. But for the rest of us, who feel like our bodies betrayed us in some way, we keep our secret in the shadows. We're taught at a young age to keep quiet about our dirty secrets. And we happily stay silent because we can't stomach the judgement from others. Especially when we're so busy shouldering our own judgement and shame of ourselves. I was full of an abundance of shame and guilt at the decision I had to make next. A decision I could only reach by listening to my intuition about what was right for me, in that moment. A decision I now understand that I was lucky I had a choice in.

I was faced with the same barrage of horrific pictures of bloody fetuses and people shouting at me and banging on my rental car window as I headed into Planned Parenthood for my scheduled abortion. I remember entering the building and seeing so many women. I was shocked at how busy it was. Again I thought to myself- why are we so stigmatized and silenced? Look at how many of us are going through this. No one chooses this. This isn't the "easy way out." This isn't a decision without consequences. This isn't a decision that's easily made, or that you don't reflect on for the rest of your life. This isn't an event you walk away from without some level of trauma. And traumatic it was. It wasn't the decision I wanted to make. But it felt to me like the decision I had to make. And all these years later, I can say with confidence that I made the right choice for me- no matter how difficult a choice it was.

Fast forward to years later, and I was faced with more women's rights related issues, this time in the workplace. And it was before the Me Too movement, so I found myself once again feeling like I was on an island alone, silenced, making a decision that I didn't want to have to make- but that my gut told me I had to make. It wasn't until after I went through my experience, that the Me Too movement came to the forefront. Once again I found myself asking, "why wasn't anyone talking about this until now? Why was everyone quiet for so long?" And then we elected a new president, who would be sure that women's rights would never look the same again.  

We're in a different place then we were back then. With the arrival of Tik Tok, and the explosion of social media, there are more opportunities than ever before to speak our truth, and to tell our stories. And they matter. And it shouldn't be just the stories that make the headlines, but the issues that affect so many of us in our day to day life. It's 2024, and I refuse to go back to a time when our lives are not of our creation. I will not be someone who judge's anyone else's life choices, when I haven't walked in their shoes. It's their life, not mine. And I believe we should all still have the right to choose who our next President is, and I am grateful we still have that choice to make this year. I hope we choose the candidate who allows us to speak our truth and to choose the path that's right for each of us individually.  

Between now and November, I hope you'll join me in speaking your truth too, whatever it may be. If you're uncomfortable talking about politics, I get it. It's not comfortable. But we have too much on the line right now to keep silent. So whether you speak your truth out loud, or speak it on election day silently with your ballot, I hope you'll join me in standing up for our right to choose.  

Part 2 of the Right to Choose coming next week, on my life as a childless cat dog lady.  

Xo