The Right to Choose- Part 2 Childless by Choice

They say childless cat lady as if it's a bad thing!!! It's a choice, just like any other that we should all be able to make for ourselves.

And just because we have the right to choose, doesn't make it easy. My last post and this one are aimed at providing a different perspective on the right to choose, and to highlight my personal experiences around choice. Having the right to choose is incredibly important, and the choice itself comes with huge weight and responsibility. I think the decision to raise other humans is arguably one of the biggest decisions we can make in our lives. In 2024, I continue to be a smaller portion of the population who has opted not to have kids. It was a decision that came with a lot of thought and consideration, and it wasn't an easy decision to make. So as a childless dog lady, I'm going to speak to my own personal choices that have led me to a childless lifestyle. Just like any life choice, people have so many reasons they can make the decisions they do. As far as people without children, there still seems to be this really big stigma, which has been further highlighted in the political landscape lately. The fact that an intelligent, hardworking and dedicated woman is running for the office of president, and that she is being judged for choosing to not biologically produce children, is utterly baffling to me. Especially when she is helping to raise children at that! As if this is something to hold against her. And as if it's even remotely relevant to the job she's applying for. We've come a long way as a society in accepting differences in lifestyle choices, but it's clear we still have a long way to go.

I hope that my story helps to show how different the choices we all make can be, and open people up to other scenarios, so they can see there are always more intricacies in people's lives than meets the eye. Which is why we should stay in our own lane, and not judge or attempt to take away the choices of others. People who decide not to have children by choice (not because they can't) are often judged as selfish, lazy, as kid haters, as adults who want to indefinitely live out the lifestyle of 20 year olds, and the list goes on. It's one of the first questions people ask when they meet you. Do you have kids? And if you don't, there's often a long awkward pause or an attempt to fill the air quickly with other small talk, as if not having kids is a non starter. It literally stumps the other person as to what else they can talk with you about. Because the reality is, statistically more people opt to have children than not. If you have children and can't imagine the awkwardness of this situation, instead think of it as if someone were to ask you what you do for work. And maybe you're out of a job, or you chose to raise your children as your full time job. That awkward feeling of answering that question is what I'm talking about. And side tangent- my simple solution in getting to know someone without asking questions that can be triggering or complicated, is to make them less personal. "Tell me about yourself!" or "How do you know so and so?" or "Did you grow up around here?" Get the ball rolling, and the direction of the conversation will become more clear and easier to navigate. Ok, back to kids.

I fall into the category of child free by choice. But it's a little more nuanced than you may think. I always envied people who were clear on their path in life at an early age. People who knew early on what they wanted to do for work or what their calling was, or the people who knew they wanted to raise kids from a young age. I didn't fall into either of those camps. All of you who have been following along with my Blog know that my life's mission has been finding my purpose, and being of service. It's what gets me up in the morning, and what keeps me up at night. My path to finding purpose has been all over the map, and it's what continues to motivate me in life. It's not at all to say that it's the only thing I care about or focus on, so much as to say it's been a primary focus of my life. So when it came to having kids, it wasn't a clear cut yes or no for me. I will say that for the majority of my life, I assumed that I would have kids. Just based on societal norm, the questions and pressure I received from family, etc. And because I didn't have a strong feeling that I didn't want kids, I just assumed that I would. If you didn't read "the right to choose part 1," I described my decision to not follow through with a pregnancy early on in my life. It wasn't because I didn't think I would ever want kids, but that I didn’t think the timing and circumstances in my life were right at that time.

What I did always know, was that I wanted to do work I loved and that gave me purpose, I wanted a partner, and I wanted animals. Those were things I was always really clear on. I suppose the way some people just love babies and kids is how I've always felt about animals. Don't get me wrong- I like babies and kids. I truly do. I just never had the same pull to them the way I did animals. Or it was more situational- the closeness you feel with a niece or nephew vs. a stranger's kid. With animals, it was always unconditional love. So much so that I became a vegan over 8 years ago. I became super clear that being vegan and doing what I can for animals is part of my purpose in this lifetime. If I had that same feeling for kids, I suppose my path would have been different. Instead, I built my life around my husband and my animals, and finding my purpose. I think there are many people whose purpose is to raise kids. I was never 100% that it was mine.

It wasn't until two years ago when I turned 38 that I started really feeling the pressure to make a decision about whether to have kids. And it wasn't because all of a sudden I was overcome with the desire to, or that I was biologically feeling that "clock ticking" as some women experience. To be honest, it was really more of a, "oh, crap. I'm already 38… where did the time go?! If I want kids, biologically, I need to start getting serious about this." That's why it came up. I have no idea why 38 was the year I really started feeling pressure to figure it out. But nothing happens by accident, and I know that there is always a reason for the timing of things. At 38, I was working for myself and still figuring out how to build my business. I was questioning whether my business would be my path forever, or if there was more I wanted to explore. At the same time, the family unit that I was raised in was dramatically shifting. As I mentioned in Part 1, growing up I always had this feeling that I should always do the right thing, play by the rules, make my parents proud, and not F* up. I knew they expected that I would have kids, and they would occasionally saying something in a joking manner about it. The weight of my decision felt heavy in part because I didn't want to disappoint them if I didn't choose that path. Yet at the time that the decision around having kids was heavy on my mind at 38, our family unit was starting to dismantle. My parents decided to divorce, and they individually began really new and different lives that looked nothing like the life I was raised in. Their stories are not mine to tell, so I won't. But what I will share is how it impacted my decision at the time about whether to consider having kids. Their paths had them both breaking away from the "rules" so to speak, and from the ways our family had been held together. They were finally living their truth, and no longer succumbing to the "shoulds" that were imposed on them from their lifetimes of conditioning. The "shoulds" were no longer making them happy, and so they needed to follow their own unique paths to find happiness, and it happened to be apart from one another. This was sort of my aha moment about kids. It made me realize that I didn't need to succumb to anyone's pressure around what would be the norm, particularly if it wasn't right for me. It also gave me a feeling of relief that if my parents were going to break the rules, I could to. I didn't need to make a decision that would please them, or society. I needed to make a decision that worked for me. And my husband. That was the next part.

His part of this story isn't mine to tell either, but I'll give the context I can around it without over stepping, since it's a part of my story. When I brought this up with my husband, he was taken aback. It was like the question came out of left field. Because well, it kind of did. He indicated that he didn't think that was part of our plan, or that it was what I wanted. We've been together since 2010, so this conversation was happening after being together for 12 years, married for 2.5 years at that point. Our relationship was never contingent on having kids, ever. We talked about it, sure. But neither of us came at the conversation strongly. It kind of felt like we were "playing house" vs. really talking about our own lives. All along,  I think I assumed we would, and I think he assumed we wouldn't. If I had felt strongly that I wanted kids, I believe Jeb would have if it was important to me. So then imagine that weight of feeling like you have to be the one to push something to happen. Add to the equation the fact that Jeb is 6 years older than I am, so the decision felt further away from his radar. Jeb brought up the hard discussions around how the life we had created would have to change if we did decide to have kids. Finances, our home, my work, etc. etc. But I knew what it would mean. Essentially a total upheaval of our lives if we wanted to have kids. And was that what I even wanted? Even when he asked me if it was what I wanted- I was like a deer in headlights. I didn't even know how to answer. It still felt to me like I was "playing house"- like I was talking about someone else's life and not my own. But at the same time, the deeply engrained assumption that I would have kids was feeling hard to completely ditch. It was at this point that I realized I had to look at having kids in the same way I've looked at finding my purpose. In that moment, I had to trust my intuition, and I had to tune out everything around me. Now keep in mind that this pressure I felt to make this decision at 38 was all self imposed. I didn't have to make it right then. But I can't explain it other than to say that I just felt like I had to. I felt like I needed to eliminate this giant question mark that had always existed. It weighed on me. It was something that would come up in my brain with enough frequency that I just wanted to make a decision about it, and move on with whatever that decision was. The reality was, I was spending all of my time in my head, instead of my heart. I had to shift into my heart to make this call. 

I decided that kids aren't part of my journey in this lifetime. I realized that my happiness and sense of fulfillment was never contingent on being a mother. It was a hard decision, but it was the right decision. And by the way, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time (but I can say 2.5 years after making my decision, I haven’t). And if that does happen, I'm confident I'll trust my intuition, and figure it out (assuming I still have the RIGHT to make such choices). I had a small period of time after that decision where I mourned. I mourned the idea of a life that I thought I might have had. I put it to rest. I felt relief in having made the decision, and relief that after making it, it still felt right. It wasn't one of those decisions where I made the call and then realized I made the wrong choice. So I had faith that it was in alignment. It also freed up so much headspace, which was a sense of relief. So I went back to my regularly scheduled programming. We make choices in our life every day, that can impact our path for the rest of our lives. I had the choice once, and I chose not to have a kid. When I self imposed the question again, it was still a no. If I had chosen a life partner who really wanted kids, I'm confident I would have had them. And I think that path would have been great too, if that's what I had chosen. But I chose my partner for me, not as someone to raise kids with. And having kids is a decision I will never take lightly. I don't think anyone should. I think it should be one of the single biggest decisions of our lives. And it makes me sad to think that there is the possibility that this extremely important choice could be taken away from people. My path may not statistically be the norm, but that doesn't make it any less worthy. I know I have other work to do to fulfill my purpose in this lifetime, and raising kids just isn't part of it. But if it is for you, I love that for you. I admire you for your decision. I just want us all to be free to make the decision, and without judgement.

I'm with her.

Xo