My Path to Authenticity
A current state of affairs- I can feel myself changing. I notice more. I'm much more acutely aware of how things impact me and my every day life.
For most of my life, I defined myself as a pretty "go with the flow" type of person. Now I know what that was really about. A combination of things, including my human design and the way I was "built." Someone who is largely a giant receiver of energy and information, easily swept up in what's around me. It was also about people pleasing, and wanting to be accepted and thought of as "easy." As more time goes on, I realize it was also about not knowing who I was or what I wanted out of life. So I was just sort of trying on things that other people felt strongly about. If there was a strong personality dictating what we should do, I went with it. I'm not that person anymore. I've always sort of looked at myself as a late bloomer. Someone who takes a lot of time to come to a decision, to figure things out for myself. A lot of that I realize is that I needed the space and energy and time alone to figure things out by myself- without outside influence. Otherwise I would just get swept into what someone else felt strongly about or wanted. The concept of working hard to help someone else with their dreams vs. building their own resonated strongly with me. Part of that was because I didn't know what my dreams were. And honestly, I'm still figuring them out. And I think they change a lot. But what I do fully understand now, is that it's not just about the big dreams. It's the little dreams too. How I want to live my life every day. How I want to spend my time. Who I want to spend my time with. If you're not really in tune to the feelings you have around those dreams, big and small, it can be easy to get swept up by someone else's ideas of them. It's how I lived a big part of my life. I have moments where I'll relapse into it in small ways- but I'm working hard on recognizing when I do, so I can make different choices next time.
One major realization I've had recently is how alcohol factored into my life in social settings. I realize that alcohol was sort of a comfy blanket I wrapped myself in to handle a number of different social situations including: being surrounded by people I felt intimidated by or uncomfortable around; being in environments that were overstimulating that I needed to "dull;" being with people that I didn't find very interesting to be around or that we didn't share much in common; being in situations for a long duration when really deep down what I wanted to do was leave; a source of energy when I needed it to get through something. Part of this was about the fact that I thought people largely viewed me as someone "fun" to be around, and easy going. Someone who was easy to have a good time with. And don't get me wrong. I do enjoy having a good time, drinks included. And there's nothing wrong with that, I don't think. The bigger problem was that I felt like I had to be that way all the time. That that's what other people expected of me. And frankly, I didn't feel I could do it- and I couldn't do it- without alcohol. But I realize now that in my effort to be authentically me, if it requires alcohol, it isn't authentic. It's a façade. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to have fun, and if drinks simply enhance that, then great. But I don't want it to be the driver of the enjoyment I get. I don't want it to be necessary for me to enjoy myself or feel comfortable.
I'm at a place now where I'm much more present and much more aware of how environments, people, etc. impact me. I'm much more clear on what fun looks like to me, what relaxation looks like to me, etc. I'm in a place where I feel like I really know who I am. But in order to honor myself and live the life the way that I want, things are changing. They have to. There is literally no choice but to reject the things that get in the way of my joy, peace, purpose. And they don't have to make sense or be "ok" with anyone other than me. I recognize that the way I'm changing may hurt other people, may make them feel differently about me, may make them feel like they don't know me anymore. But the only person I can concern myself with to get the life I want, is me. Many of us spend so much of our life looking for that outside validation that we're "doing it right." It's taken me awhile to figure out that a. that's never going to come, or not in the way I want it to or think it should and b. I am the only person who can validate my life choices. Because the choices I make have to be about my personal goals and dreams for myself. I get this one life to live, so I better make it count. My ideas and goals can and should be totally different from anyone else's, and therefore- there's no way to compare, or validate- except against myself.
I've started making changes in my life that allow me to be more authentically me. Here are some examples of what I've been doing:
I've limited my drinking drastically. I'm not perfect- and I still slip up. But largely, I've changed my relationship with alcohol. I am no longer interested in using it as an escape, buffer, mask, etc. Now, if it's something I want, I choose to consume it only because I genuinely will enjoy it and it enhances an already positive situation.
I've started saying no a lot more. No to opportunities, people, environments that I don't feel are right for me, for any reason. No more of the "shoulds."
I've started listening to my intuition a lot more, vs. listening to what other people think.
I've given myself the permission to take time and space to make decisions when I need to. I no longer have as high a sense of urgency when it comes to getting back to other people.
I've set boundaries. Sometimes I just have less capacity. Maybe I'm tired, so I say yes to something, but I leave early to balance my need for rest.
I focus less on how I'm making everyone feel around me, and more on how I'm feeling. This may sound selfish- but the reality is, as a highly sensitive and empathetic person, I deeply understand that I am always making other people around me largely feel comfortable and accepted without really trying to. It's just a part of who I am and my general nature. It's not something I have to try to do, or that I have to "turn on." I now need to turn the tables a bit and make sure I'm considering how I feel in situations too. I don't need to spend the whole time catering to everyone around me.
I'm getting more ok with the idea that I'm not for everyone. Everyone isn't going to like me, understand me, want to be around me, or understand the changes I'm making. The person who has to like me, is me.
If you're going through big life changes in order to come back to you, I'm thinking about you. You should be proud of yourself for trying to evolve and grow, because it isn't easy. But we'll get through this and I'm confident there are great things on the other side.
xo
