De-conditioning
We all came here perfectly and uniquely as we were meant to be.
Then the world got its hands on us and tried to convince us otherwise. It tried to assimilate us. To make us all fit. Depending on how you grew up and the family unit you grew up in, maybe you were one of the lucky ones to escape this conditioning. But I think many of us fell into this trap, which was the same trap our parents or whomever raised us was also living by. Spoken and unspoken "rules." Societal norms. Pair that with our very natural inclination and desire to be accepted and to belong, and to not be seen as other. I felt this deeply. I had this feeling very early on that there was, in fact, something different about me. It wasn't something I could put my finger on until a few years ago. But what it felt like was that I was on the outside somehow. I was easily able to sense the unspoken. Someone who intuitively knew based on the energy in a room how I needed to assimilate. I now understand this to be because I'm a highly sensitive person (HSP). So I was, in fact, sort of on the outside, as only about 15-20% of the population is highly sensitive. As a 40 year old, I can finally see the value in this unique experience. But I can also understand how it shaped my experiences in a very different way from those around me. This difference didn't feel at all like a gift, or like something remotely positive. No. It made me different, when all I wanted to be was the same as everyone else.
A lot of my HSP traits were on more full display when I was younger, when I didn't know quite yet how different they were or that they weren't preferred. Things like an intolerance for wearing wool, or a sense of social anxiety from getting overwhelmed that often led to me throwing up in the most inconvenient of times and locations. But I quickly learned how to hide those things as I got older. How to appear to be just like everyone else, and to not inconvenience anyone. To not draw attention to myself. When I was in elementary school I remember going to a friend’s house who had an above ground pool. Nothing was more exciting than going to a friend’s house back then, especially if they had a pool. So we were running around as kids do, and I remember I fell off the back of the pool onto the ground below. I landed on something rough (I don't exactly remember what) and it really REALLY hurt. And was accompanied by blood. But I didn't tell anyone about it. I didn't want to get in trouble, be seen as doing something wrong, put someone out or make them worry, or god forbid- not get to go back. So it went in the vault. Another early memory is getting back from a family vacation to find out that our dog had died. It was in that moment that I got my period for the first time. Talk about inconvenient timing. There was no way I was going to add my problems into the mix. It didn't feel as important as losing our family dog. So it went in the vault. I have a vault full of secrets from that time in my life. Really innocent things that kids do or that happen to them that are just the nature of being a kid, or of not knowing any better. But for some reason I felt like those rules didn't apply to me. I couldn't just be a kid or just make mistakes. I had to be a good girl, someone who didn't inconvenience anyone with her feelings. Especially not the super sensitive feelings. Because those were definitely too much.
As I've focused my efforts on personal development, I've been able to understand how being an HSP and trying to hide that manifested into becoming a recovering: people pleaser, high functioning codependent, a rule follower, the "good girl." It's something I've been working hard to decondition in an effort to reclaim who I am by nature. Who I came here to be. I talked last week about how my approach to resolutions is different this year, and how my word of the year is "allow." I'd like to add to that "release." Part of the reason I am keen this year on the idea of not making all sorts of goals and resolutions is because what I really want at this stage in my life is to just be. To not worry about conforming, and doing what everyone else is doing. I want to enjoy just living a life that's of my creation. Of not worrying about what anyone else is doing or saying or what sort of "rules" or guidelines I should follow like everyone else. It just doesn't fit anymore. I don't fit anymore. And I never really did. The difference is now I'm not only ok with that, but I'm coming to appreciate that. So I'm trying to make sure that in all areas of my life, I'm allowing myself to just be me. To follow my own instincts, and to completely trust myself and my ability to make decisions that are best for me, without any regard for any outside opinion of it. When I look at some of the best decisions I've made in my life, they were intuition and soul led. And sometimes they didn't make sense to anyone else, or they didn't follow the trajectory that was laid out for me. I'm learning that it's ok to be misunderstood. It's ok to be unpredictable or to disappoint people. Or to not be who they expected. I have no control over that anyway. But I'm not interested anymore in pleasing everyone else at the expense of myself. I still find myself slipping into that pattern sometimes, and I'm sure it is something that I'll be working on for a while. But I'm committed to doing the work because my biggest priority in life at this time is de-conditioning myself from playing a role that wasn't ever me. To fully becoming myself and coming back home to me. The me that's always been there but that I didn't always fully understand or appreciate, let alone honor. It's time to let her take the steering wheel. Here's what that looks like right now:
Trusting in myself that I know what is best for me
Trusting that I am always able to figure it out
Allowing my differences to be on display and not feel I need to hide them
Trusting that my path is unique to me and won't look like anyone else's
Looking inside myself instead of outside of myself for the answers
Trusting my own intentions and beliefs
Following my gut
Following my joy
Prioritizing myself before anyone else
Taking what resonates, and leaving what doesn't
Staying in my own lane
Reducing consumption of anything that doesn't serve me
Releasing the need to over explain or convince
Releasing the need to be strategic about everything
Remembering that the only person I will be with forever in this lifetime is myself.
I hope you'll join me in being authentically you this year. The world needs each of us just the way we are.
XO
