There’s Only One of You

You know that saying, that you teach what you need yourself?

Well, welcome to today's post :D  Prepare for a lot. A soul dumping.

It's something I struggle with a lot. Comparison. "Am I doing it right? Is this ok? I'm not making you uncomfortable in any way, am I?" This narrative cycles through my head constantly, and I can track it back to one of my key weaknesses- people pleasing. People pleasing comes in so many different forms, and can show up when you least expect it. And I've found when it comes to comparing myself to others, it's really routed in people pleasing. When I dig down deeper, it's about wanting to "fit in." Which when I think about it, makes me feel really sad. Why at 39 years old do I still feel like I need to try to fit in? Couple this with the fact that I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person- way more on this to come), and the problem is that I know exactly what I need to do to fit in. The problem is that over the past few years, I've realized that all my efforts to fit in, not make waves, etc. has left me feeling depleted, and not knowing who I actually am. As an HSP, not only do I know what I need to do to fit in and please people, I'm also acutely aware when I'm not pleasing people. I envy people with the attitude of "who cares what other people think" and "just be yourself." While I agree with those sentiments in theory, in practice I'm not there yet.

The tricky thing with people pleasing is that it's a really natural habit, because it's rooted in survival instincts. Being different or not doing what was expected of you could result in being ousted from your community, from the pack, etc. In many ways it still is. The problem is that we apply people pleasing strategies to things that are insignificant and definitely not about survival.

Back to the need for acceptance. I think I always felt sort of different. With perspective, I can say that that boiled down to a few key ingredients. Being an HSP is definitely a defining factor. I was also raised by two extroverts, in a world that praises extroverts over introverts. And you would have looked at me and defined me as an extrovert, but I think largely I just knew how to wear an extroverted mask. Which goes back to the HSP thing- I know what I need to do to be accepted, to please others. I know how to turn it on. People accept and better understand extroverts. But being an HSP and somewhat introverted (I feel like I may be a weird extrovert/introvert hybrid), I have a strong desire to hermit (also part of my human design- also so much more on that later!). To be able to be alone and recover from all the socialization and to be able to process (while also taking a break from all the processing LOL). I also feel like I had a hard time finding my "niche" as a kid. I didn't particularly excel at anything. I wasn't super academic, definitely not athletic (though bless me, I tried and was more into the fun uniforms than the actual sport), not super talented in art class (though I loved it). I was just sort of… in the middle. Average. Wasn't a cool kid by any stretch of the means. So I didn't feel the need to draw any negative attention towards myself either. I would just play by the rules. And with a brother two years younger than me who was on a different path where all the waves were being made and all the rules broken, I felt this added responsibility to be "the easy kid." The one who you didn't have to worry about. And I knew how to play by that rule book.

Ok bear with me- I know, rabbit hole. The point is, people pleasing was a way for me to be accepted. I so badly just wanted to feel accepted. I wasn't the type who could bring positive accolades and attention through my talents, achievements, etc. so I learned that people pleasing and being "good" was what would serve me best. It got to the point where it was somewhat crippling. Because I was so busy just doing what I knew people wanted me to do, I had a really hard time understanding what I wanted to do. So I would just mimic what I saw. What worked for other people. When I did know things that I liked (acting, dance, etc.) I was met with feedback that those weren't suitable career paths, even if they were the only things that interested me. But again, I was in the middle. Very average at everything. I knew that claiming something as a career, interest or whatever that I was less than an A+ student in would definitely be met with disapproval. While I was in school, through college, there was some level of safety in this idea that you weren't totally expected to have everything all figured out. So it was ok to try things, in a sort of non committal way. It wasn't like you were claiming them as your life long profession. But as soon as school ended, there was that pressure to have it figured out. To start adulting. To be a productive member of society. And since I didn't have a strong enough self identity and was still so focused on being "approved of," I just went into corporate America. Played by their rule book. I did that for years. Until I got so fed up with the rule book, and realized people at the top were happy to manipulate the rules to their advantage. My departure from corporate America was definitely not thought through or planned. Nor was my pathway to entrepreneurship.

Then the next problem. I couldn't find the rule book for being an entrepreneur. I mean I read all the books…. How to run a business, etc. But I felt like for the first time, I had to make rules for myself. To ask myself, what would work for me? I was in no different place as far as people pleasing goes, so I looked to others. Compared myself to other people doing similar work. Something to benchmark myself against. And it left me just as unhappy and confused as in any of my earlier pursuits to be accepted. I would look to others and see what they were doing and say to myself yes, yes they're doing what's expected, what's deemed successful, impressive, what's "right" in this field of work. The problem was, I looked at the things they were doing and thought…. Woof. Yes, as in Buzz's girlfriend in Home Alone kind of woof. I didn't want to do the things they were doing. Did that mean I couldn't be in the same playing field? It was one of the first times I started considering the idea that maybe it's more important that I be happy, and be myself- than to worry about what everyone else is doing, or what they may be thinking of me and what I'm doing (which p.s. I totally recognize, most are not paying that much attention to me and this is all in my head). And by the way, what we don't know is- is that person we're watching who's showing all their work or life accomplishments, their "success" etc… are they happy? If they are, then great. But that doesn't mean it will make us happy to do the same thing. But this right here, this idea that I should maybe just do what lights me up, what works for me, without looking around me, it's premeditated murder of people pleasing. And why is it somehow more comfortable to just keep doing what we know, even if we're miserable, than to risk changing course?

Here's what I try to remind myself. The world doesn't need more Oprahs. I can say that, because I adore Oprah. Seriously. But Oprah is Oprah. She's amazing, but the reason she's amazing is because she is authentically herself. And there can be no other Oprah. But before she was the Oprah we know, she tried to fit the mold, and couldn't. She reached her height of success by paving her own path. And by the way, what does success even mean? Back to people pleasing, I'd argue success is in the same category. It's some other rule book that may or may not apply to you. Everyone should have their own definition of what success means to them. What makes us happy and what we deem as success for ourselves, could and should be totally different from the next person. So why am I trying to be like anyone, other than myself? What if I have things to offer that other people don't? I recently read something about how we often don't know what we're really good at and what we have to offer to others because it comes easily to us, and we don't realize that it doesn't come easily to other people. And here's the other thing. I'm looking to all these other people outside of myself for the handbook. What if there are people looking at me? I mean safe to say I've now basically opened up my personal diary to the internet, so there's a good chance someone out there may see what I'm doing and be looking to me in the same way.

So back to the point now that I've circled the whole yard. To the message I need to keep coming back to myself. There is only 1 of each of us. We are all here on totally different journeys, with different things to offer the world. But we all have things to offer. And in the time we're spending comparing ourselves to others, we're wasting the time we have to offer our own gifts and what makes us truly unique. What we may see on someones highlight reel is definitely not the full story. There's so much more to all of us. We're all complicated, messy and multifaceted. It's why I started showing up here. To show more pieces of myself. To show you that you're not alone if you're feeling a little messy.

Thank you for being authentically you. I promise to keep trying to do the same.

xo