Self Sabotage
The other day I was feeling… vulnerable.
I was doubting my skills as a designer. I was in the opposite of a flow state. And so, instead of employing any of the number of healthy coping mechanisms I know I should have, I self sabotaged. I chose one of my key triggers, and down the rabbit hole I went. I went on Instagram. I pulled up my key "trigger" accounts. You know what I'm talking about. They're accounts that I've removed from my feed so that I don't accidently stumble upon something that will trigger me. So in this vulnerable state, I go right to those accounts. And I start scrolling. "Catching up" on what they've been up to. The fabulous designs they did. And you know how I felt after? Horrible. Shocking right? I mean I felt like I could throw up. Now I was in even worst of a place than before. It's like when you pick at a pimple on your face, as if you're going to make it better. And then there's no going back, and then you're walking around with something that easily could have gone away on it's own but now you've made it so.much.worst. I should have just sat in my feels. Let it pass. But instead, I self sabotaged. I was feeling vulnerable, there was a hole. I filled it. I filled the hole with evidence (in my mind) that I was in fact, a terrible designer. And by the way, isn't it funny how evidence is always available when you need it?!
After I got that out of my system, I rage designed. Yup. For a wedding. Do you think that rage designing is appropriate when you should be channeling love? The funny thing is the rage designs actually came out quite lovely LOL. But I obviously had emotions that had to be channeled, and a job to do, and so to design they went. Then I stepped away. I needed to see if they still looked good when I wasn't seeing red.
I decided I needed a factory re-setting on myself. I packed the dogs in the car and went to the park for a walk. I put on a podcast to get rid of the time spent in my head since clearly, I had done quite enough of that. I ended up on this Mel Robbins podcast that was totally random which sounded great because I needed something totally different to focus on. It was about how to hack hunger and cravings, using science. Sounded interesting, and I'm certainly not above caving on a craving (oh wait, how bout that Instagram rabbit hole I just went down!). I realized that so much of what I was hearing on this podcast which was specifically about food, I had heard on a different podcast that was focused on happiness and avoiding stress. The through line was this need for a dopamine hit. You can get a good dopamine hit from a lot of things, including food… and social media. The problem is, when you get the dopamine hit from processed/manufactured things (cookies/Instagram) your body gets such an unnatural surge of dopamine, it just keeps seeking more of it. You actually get irritable and feel like you need another hit. Hence the need to binge eat the cookies and binge Instagram. In case you are unaware, the inventors of said cookies and Instagram are very much aware of what they're doing :) They want you eating all the cookies and spending all your time on Instagram. Where as, if you got a dopamine hit from a more natural source (apples, exercising, meditating) your body knows how to process the dopamine efficiently. I mean, when was the last time you binged on apples? Not apple PIE. APPLES. It all came together. I knew why I had self sabotaged. I was looking for that hit.
By the time I got home from my walk, I was feeling a lot better. And when I took a look at my rage designs, they were looking pretty fantastic, I must say. We all do this. We self sabotage. In a moment of weakness, we go for the panic button. The quick hit of dopamine. The problem is it's never the solution. If I had just walked away from my work and went straight for the dog walk/podcast combo, I would have been way better off. The rest of the night, I also made good food choices, inspired by the podcast. Didn't eat anything processed. I knew that I had had plenty of dopamine for the day. I'm rethinking my relationship with social media too. I have to. I've found the more time I spend away from it, the happier I am. That's an easy correlation to make. As a business owner social media is this double edged sword. On the one hand, I have to use it. Have to demonstrate my work and use it as a tool to sell. A lot of my business comes from social media. On the flip side, as soon as I'm on it, I'm on it. How can you not scroll once you're there? I also feel this need to "like" and support other business owners and my customers, who graciously support me on social media. Ugh. It’s a trap! If anyone has any fab tips on having a healthy relationship with social media as a business owner, I am ALL EARS. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to limit my time scrolling and go on with intention of posting, then getting the hell out of the app. So if you see me not "liking" your stuff- take no offense :) It means I'm just getting better at my boundaries with social media.
And the next time I'm triggered and feeling vulnerable- I'm going to take a beat. Walk away from whatever "it" is that's triggering me. Get outside. Maybe I'll eat a freaking apple. And I will try my hardest to not pick at the pimple.
xo
