Looking Back, to Move Forward

This week I had a flashback to my college days, to previous jobs, to everything. It was like a giant week of déjà vu. 

I had an event I was flowering in the city, and it happened to be right next door to my Alma Mater, Simmons. The déjà vu I experienced was NUTS. I didn't really think about the location of the event, since I was so focused on what needed to get done in advance. It wasn't until I rolled up right in from of my college campus that I really processed what was happening. It laid the ground work for all sorts of processing that I didn't realize I needed to do.

This event I was doing stretched me in some ways, and was also exactly what I needed in this moment in time. The event was a symposium being held by Harvard Medical School's Thich Nhat Hahn Center for Mindfulness in Public Health. With people coming from around the country including more monks than I've ever been in the presence of. The symposium's focus was on mindfulness and the environment. It felt like all of my worlds were colliding. I was getting to do something I loved, for an event that felt meaningful to me personally. And, the person who hired me for the job came from a past life of mine too ;) It was one of those days where I realized how much of my past experiences contributed to where I had landed.

When I was asked to do the event, it was a full body YES. I knew I wanted to do it. I didn't let any of my fears influence it. For me, the fears are often silly logistical things. Like the fact that I had to be there at 7 am at the latest to setup, and parking and unloading in the area would be dicey. For some reason, these are the things that can cripple me- which is absolutely ridiculous., especially considering the way more difficult things I’ve been through. In these moments, it’s like I lose my confidence. Even though I know logically that I am more than capable, and that I will figure it out. Which of course, I did. In fact- because I was so nervous about rush hour traffic into the city, I ended up getting there 45 mins early. I'm one of those people who hates being late, and even being just on time stresses me out. I’m a little bit of a doomsday prepper in that way. My early arrival  allowed me to scope out the perfect spot right in front of the building when a pickup truck left it's spot (leaving me AMPLE room to parallel park LOL). Another added layer to my paranoia I will add, is that it's still Mercury Retrograde- when things are bound to go wrong, which only made me more anxious. But I was reminded that we have to test our limits, and our fears- no matter how big or small. Overcoming them is what gives us the confidence to do bigger and better things in our lives. I left feeling so confident, I then drove around the area, and down memory lane… and even stopped for a coffee and bagel at a favorite place. I was in the flow. I will remind myself of this when I'm getting worked up in my head about logistical things like this in the future.

My college experience was really the time where I found myself, and found my inner confidence. Where I finally had the freedom to try things out for myself and make my own decisions. I look back at my college years as some of the best in my life. I certainly wasn't fearless, but I was a lot less fearful than I realize I've become. I think this is two fold. One part is that it's natural as we age, to understand that we're not invincible, and understand life's fragility more. The second part is that we experience things that make us jaded. That put fears into our mind that weren't there before. I had a pretty traumatizing experience in one of my past jobs, that I am still coming to terms with. In the moment, I mustered up every bit of strength and courage that I didn't even know I had within me, to do what I needed to do. Because I knew there was no other option. But then coming out the other side of it, I was a little worst for wear so to speak. It took a lot of my confidence from me. It put me in this sort of permanent fight or flight state, and a state where I numbed a lot to get through. And at the time, I didn't realize any of this about myself. It was just how I was living. But I realize now that it made me significantly less confident, and also fearful of something similar happening again. When I got a very different job after, I thought I was setting myself up to be in a totally different environment, and one where I would be safe. It was not that. What I found was that I entered into another really difficult situation, that just came in a very different package. It's like I was subconsciously seeking out the same situation, as if this time I could handle it differently. The reality is, the only way it ended was when I left. But I came out of that situation knowing more about myself. I believe that job was there to teach me about listening to my intuition, and about protecting myself. About learning earlier when a situation isn't right for me, and dealing with it before it explodes. About the fact that an environment can be right for one person, and not right for someone else. And that's ok. We're all different. And there are great things that come from all experiences- we just have to look for them.

In every job I've ever had, I have always met at least one if not more people who clearly came into my life for a reason. Many of them I have stayed in touch with, or they may have only been around for that season, but added a lot to my life. In my last job that I was just describing, I met my friend Dawn- who was also my neighbor at the time. I was commuting into the city every day, by driving an old Saab convertible with heavy muffler issues down my street to the commuter rail, which is about a mile down the road. I would take the commuter rail back and forth every day. In my first few weeks of commuting, I noticed a woman walking to the commuter rail. Even though it's only a mile away, you have to cross a super busy street at one point which is pretty dicey. At one point, I noticed where she lived and it was not far from my house. I didn't want to scare the crap out of her by pulling over with my loud car, so one day when I saw her on the platform I approached her. Because I should also note, at the time she was limping due to a foot injury as well. I couldn't watch her making the trek every day back and forth. When I introduced myself (which you can imagine how awkward that was lol), Dawn goes, "oh you're the one with the loud Saab!" Yes, yes that's me. And she would later find out, the Saab that didn't have a fully functioning roof, so that when it rained, we would return to puddles at our feet sometimes for the drive up the street. That only lasted a few months into my job when I then got a new car, which I think Dawn was equally relieved by. We became commuter buddies, and friends. Dawn worked in the city but is also a talented artist- I have one of her gorgeous paintings in my bedroom. When I decided a year later that I wanted to start my business on the side, Dawn helped me with a logo and business cards and was one of my biggest cheerleaders. Dawn is now the Executive Director at the Thich Nhat Hahn Center, and the person who thought of me and hired me for the event this week. She's since moved back to the city, so she doesn't have the commute anymore either ;) It's a reminder that the people I connect with, I'm meant to connect with. It never has to make sense, nor do you have to know exactly why someone comes in your life. A reminder that nothing happens by accident.

This week I found a little piece of myself that had been tucked away for awhile. I reconnected with an old friend, got to work on a job I felt passionate about, got to experience being back in Fenway again, and got a little bit of my confidence back. I've got this.

Xo