Finding my Purpose Act 4: ages 37-39 (present)
Once again, that pit in my stomach. Except this time, going all in on myself. My own business.
During a huge economic downturn (um, that part I had NOT planned for). It. Was. Hard. Arguably the biggest battle was the one going on in my head. Can I really do work I love full time, and be able to support myself financially? Can I fully rely on only myself for my income? Do I even want this to be the only thing I do for work, full time? Do I need to start taking opportunities that don't light me up, to make this work? Being honest with myself, the knee jerk reaction of offering myself up to work at the wine shop was an old pattern. It was me not trusting in myself to go all in on myself, on my own dreams. It was easier for me to feel secure in someone else’s abilities to build a business, and help them build their dream. Not to mention, going from always working in a team setting, in an office, was all I knew. The idea of being totally by myself was pretty scary.
Managing my mind and ego during this time of transition into working only for myself was a full time job. And I didn't want to work from a place of desperation. I had prided myself in running my business the way that made sense to me, and that aligned with the type of work I wanted to do. I tried to stay true to myself and what I wanted my business to be. But all of this extra time I now had on my hands meant plenty of opportunities to compare myself to other florists and derail myself into thinking I needed to do things their way in order to be successful. Or to appear that way, anyway. I kept slipping back into old narratives about what success looked like or meant.
One year and four months have gone by since I committed myself fully to my own business. And how is it going? This year has been the biggest year of personal and professional growth I’ve ever experienced. The emotional roller coaster I’ve been on has led me to a place where I finally trust myself. I trust my intuition. I’m clearer now on who I am, what my priorities are, and that I can do it. Whatever it is, I can figure it out. I no longer outsource my happiness, my success, my income abilities to anyone else. That doesn’t mean I don’t still have challenges or that I don’t slip into old bad habits. And it also doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. Just this weekend, my commercial floral cooler went out of commission and I found out the repair comes with a huge price tag. Not something I was prepared for, which I’ll have to navigate (while also not having an operating cooler, conveniently as the temps are going up). So definitely still challenges all the time. I’ve just realized that’s how it will always be. I can have my moment to freak out, and then I’ll figure it out.
And I’ve reached another milestone. I’ve reached my 5 year business anniversary. Where’s the champagne?! So here I am again, asking myself. Am I fulfilling my purpose? Is this my calling? Or more so, is it my only purpose/calling? If you don’t stop and ask yourself, it is really easy to keep on keeping on. To get swept up in it, whatever it is.
That’s why I’m here, sharing with all of you! Here’s what I know so far: I still love my floral design business, and it still lights me up. I’m so proud of what I’ve built, and that I finally found the outlet I needed for my creativity after so many years of stifling it. So I have zero plans to change anything about my floral design business. She’s my first baby, after all!!! After 5 years, I have so much clarity around what I love doing in my business, and managing it in a way that works for me. But what I also know is that lately I’ve landed right back to where I was when this all started- this feeling, this knowing, this calling to try something else. To create something new again. I’ve also learned so much about myself through my first business, and have greater clarity around the things that light me up. So while the details are really hazy at this point, I have a knowing that I’m supposed to share my journey, and write. None of this makes sense to me yet, just like it didn’t 5 years ago. I’m not a writer. I’m not a coach… so why am I being called to do this? But… I wasn’t a floral designer either, and I followed that nudge. Imposter syndrome is a really old friend of mine. But I’ve learned that we don’t need the title to show up and do the work. We just have to do the work.
So I’m starting the exact same way I did 5 years ago. I’m building a website. I’m letting my wheels turn. It feels scary in a different way this time. With my floral design business, I had a clear idea of something I was going to offer. This time, I don’t have a clear idea of where this is going to take me. But part of what I’ve learned along this journey so far is that you don’t have to know how it will end up. I’ve also learned from my floral design business that what you think you’re going to build ends up changing and evolving.
I’d be lying if I said that it’s comfortable to open up publicly and be so vulnerable, especially about something so uncertain. But I know I’m not alone in this feeling, and I know that the people I connect most with are those who show up in this way. So for now, I’m just trusting I’m where I’m supposed to be, sharing here with you. And I trust I’ll land where I’m supposed to.
To be continued, seriously. Thanks for joining along ;)
xo
P.s. this post is the final in a 4 Act series on finding my purpose! If you haven’t already, check out Act 1, Act 2, and Act 3.
