Lessons from a Puppy

Niles came into our life at a time where A. we needed him the most B. it was the worst time ever to get a puppy.

We had just lost our 15 year old puggle Vinnie the day after our wedding anniversary. The way we lost Vinnie was traumatic. He had struggled over the past year, and he made it to our annual anniversary trip to Stowe. We knew the end was coming, but we were not prepared for it to happen during our anniversary trip. The only "silver lining" of the whole thing was that our little family was all together (me, Jeb, Reese) when he peacefully passed in his sleep. And then we had to pack the dog we've loved for 15 years into the back of our car to bring home to bury. I will spare you the rest. But it goes down in my book as one of the most difficult days of my life. And the only reason I share the trauma in any level of detail, is because we all go through these traumatic moments in our life that really rock us, and shift something in our lives. And we often fight that battle quietly by ourselves. We don't want to burden others with the pain we're experiencing, so we hold it tight. But holding it tight separates us from others, as we fight a battle alone- when it would be far easier to fight with even just someone to hold the space to hear about it. I'll never forget a Facetime call with one of my BFFs shortly after where she cried with me, remembering her own experiences with Vinnie in the 15 years she knew him. Vinnie was the first dog any of us had amongst our friend group as adults. He paved the way for many dogs after him that came into all of our lives.

To say we struggled with managing the loss of Vinnie is an understatement. Jeb's and my grief sometimes followed similar paths, and sometimes different. Jeb got Vinnie before we met, so I tried as best I could to let Jeb's grief process lead the way in terms of how we healed as a family. So when he said he thought rescuing another dog would help, I hesitantly went along with the idea. After all, the grief was going to be there no matter what… so why not add a little joy into our lives alongside it? And 6 months later,  I can confirm both still exist- grief and joy. Logistically, it was pretty much the worst time ever to get a puppy. Right as we were about to head into winter, and my busy season in my floral design business. And I would be the primary care giver as the one working from home. So we made the decision to be "non committal" about an outcome as we packed Reese into the car and drove to the Northeast Animal Shelter, where we had adopted Reese as a 4 month old puppy, 10 years ago. We arrived with no expectations or requirements other than that Reese like the dog, and we were ideally hoping the dog would be small-ish. Reese size. Just like Vinnie was. As we arrived we found out that a bunch of dogs had just been cleared for adoption, coming from South Carolina. After hearing our requirements, the receptionist said to our doggie matchmaker, "hey, what about Burger? Do you guys want to meet Burger?" We had no idea who Burger was but again, we were pretty open (p.s. turns out his brother was in fact, Fries). Our matchmaker set us up in a private room, and came back with this tiny little bundle of black fur tucked in her arm. He had the longest arms dangling down that looked like they had argyle socks on based on his markings. Couple that with the sweetest little puppy eyes you'd ever seen and his shy demeanor… and we were done. As if on cue, Jeb and I both started crying at the same time. If that isn't a universal sign, I don't know what is. He was the first dog we met, and we were the first people he met. We left with him that afternoon. And so 10 week old Niles (formerly Burger- because it seemed like a weird choice of name for a vegan to have a dog named Burger) came home with us. And spoiler alert- he's much bigger than Reese now. Built like a basketball player- long and lean with so much limb to him.

We thought we knew what we were in for. I mean we had Vinnie as a puppy, and Reese as a puppy. But little did we know that Niles was going to be a wholllllle different beast. Ya know, at the worst time to get a puppy. I could never have figured this out 6 months ago but now that we're here, I can look back and say- we needed him. And he of course, needed us. The biggest difference in Niles vs. Reese & Vinnie was that he had a lottttt of energy and- he's extremely sensitive, anxious and shy. Add a few negative experiences early on getting charged at by larger off- leash dogs, and it set him up for a strong fear of other dogs too. Along with a fierce form of separation anxiety that made me feel like I was a prisoner in my own home that could never leave him. All things that required a very different level of intense dog parenting than we had been prepared for. Vinnie & Reese were both confident dogs who had no issues with humans and dogs of all sizes. Niles on the other hand? Afraid of ALL dogs (besides Reese) and some humans, and definitely little running kids. And we're still figuring out the other quirks of identifying who Niles is going to be afraid of. What I now see very clearly? Niles was allowing me to reparent pieces of myself and have compassion for some of the challenges I faced as a kid who generally ran anxious. We’re both still a work in progress, but this is what Niles has taught me so far.

Boundaries- we got put into puppy prison at a puppy drop in socialization class. As a sweet little dachshund came charging at Niles in excitement, Niles responded with howling in fear and bearing his teeth. And so we got quarantined behind a gate from the other puppies to allow Niles to "warm up" to the other puppies. Let's just say we spent the whole class in prison. Niles was fed every treat that existed to try to calm his nerves which resulted in him enjoying the treats, but still not the dogs. Never to return again. On my part, it was mortifying. But the trainer explained to me a concept that my people pleasing self had to wrap my head around- "he may never like other dogs, and that's ok." Wait what?!?! We don't just keep forcing him to try to get along?! My mind was blown. We're taught this as kids, as adults, it’s engrained into us at a young age. Play nice. Get along with everyone. Be liked. Well, I can tell you that Niles and his anxious fear/aggression response and me with my freshly dyed pink hair definitely did NOT fit the mold in this class. I'm learning to be ok with it. We don't have to be for everyone, just like everyone isn't for us. Do we really need to force a round peg in a square hole, to fit in with strangers we may only meet once? What has to be sacrificed in ourselves to do that? Segway to…

People Pleasing- why do we look to make sure others needs are prioritized over our own? People pleasing has been one of my biggest hurdles to overcome. But being Niles "mom" has forced me to put people pleasing to the side, to prioritize his needs. Which in turn has made me realize I need to do this for myself. I use to be so concerned on our walks to not make other people feel awkward or uncomfortable by my reactive dog. Overcompensating, explaining, making jokes to try to cut through the awkwardness of the situation. Meanwhile, trying to hold my own stress in and keep it together to get through walking two dogs with very different interests (Reese- sniff every step, Niles- pull my arm out of its socket to move as quickly as possible). Now I prioritize peace and joy for myself and my dogs on our walks. Because our walks are for us. They're not for anyone else, and if we leave the walk stressed out, what was the point? So now we take paths less traveled. If I see a dog nearby, we re-route. It's that simple. It's not happy hour, it's our walk. We don't have to greet everyone. The results from my new approach were immediate. The dogs and I could enjoy our daily walk routine. I still struggle with the idea that I could appear "rude" etc, but ultimately, I care more about the needs of my dogs (and me… I'm learning!) than strangers. So that’s what I'm prioritizing.

Routine & Exercise for an Anxious Mind- I didn't really identify as an anxious person until relatively recently. I just figured everyone sort of felt anxious. And I've found what has worked for Niles to keep his anxiety in check, is exactly what I need too. Top of the list is routine and exercise. I'm all about mixing up the day and having variety. But there are some things that are non negotiables to keep anxiety at bay. The biggest part of mine & Niles (& Reese's) routine is exercise first thing. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the second we get up in the morning, we get into the car and drive to our walk spot. While there are some mornings it's really hard to get right to it, it's a non negotiable (especially for Niles, who wakes up with a fully charged battery and he's ready to go). Studies have actually shown that it's extremely valuable to get outside first thing when you wake up. Something about your circadian rhythm. Anyway. I can just say from experience that our morning walk sets us up for the day. It gets some of the first of the day anxious thoughts out of your head while you're focusing on being on the walk. And for me I use it as an opportunity to be present with the dogs as well. I don't listen to my air pods, I literally just walk with them and take in the scenery. By the time we're back in the car, we're all less anxious and ready to take on the day.

Play & Joy- I am totally guilty of not prioritizing play and joy in my life. I've since learned that as an adult, it's something you have to "schedule in" like anything else. So it makes sense that I've lacked it because I just didn't get that memo. I'd fallen into the "being an adult is hard," "you have to hustle," "like isn't all fun and games" kind of mentality. I still struggle with it, and I still haven't prioritized my "play." But you know who I do prioritize it for? Niles. Play is a huge part of his day, and he is the most joyful when chasing after his ball. And is there anything better than a happy, playful puppy? Definitely not. This puppy, while a complicated little ball of nerves, has brought us so much joy. He's so goofy and content with the simple stuff. I always thought fun and play had to be these big things I planned for. Going out with friends, a trip, etc. But those things aren't happening all the time. Certainly not every day. And they rely on all sorts of external factors. But we should feel joy every day. So I now prioritize my joy in the small every day kind of ways. I'm not willing to wait for the big moments to have fun. It's simple stuff that I focus on. A stop and smell the roses kind of attitude. Maybe it's trying out a new recipe, trying a new workout with a playlist that lights me up. Noticing Niles looking up at the birds, taking it all in.

Acceptance- Niles isn't the dog we thought we were getting (evidenced by his DNA test which indicated he's made up of all sorts of working dog breeds, which has become clear in his….zest for life LOL). He has brought me to tears more times than I care to admit. But I've realized it's because he challenges me to look at myself, and my own life. He needs me to parent him differently, and it's allowing me to reparent my adult self. To accept myself, to accept Niles, for who we are. Not who I want myself to be or think I'm expected to be, or what I expected Niles to be. Sometimes our biggest challenge is fighting a narrative of what our expectation was vs. what our reality is. And sometimes you just need to mourn what you were hoping for or expecting, and look at what's right in front of you. Because what if the joy can be bigger than what we expected? We didn't get a dog who's cool with everyone, well "adapted" despite our best efforts, or one who's looking to be anything other than himself. But here's the thing. We got a dog who has blown our mind in so many unexpected ways. Niles is the smartest dog we've ever met. It makes us laugh to see how his little mind works. He's also like a little athlete which is always entertaining to see as he confidently jumps over our coffee table to land on the couch. He's sensitive in some of the best ways. If I’m upset, he’s immediately by my side to lick my face. He is fiercely loyal and protective. He's so loving, we often catch him licking Reese's ears and face. You have never experienced a more excited greeting when you get home than from Niles. You would think you had been gone for years. And for better or worst, Niles is 100% un-phased by any weather that mother nature throws our way. It's not going to dampen his plans (even though I had plenty of winter days with damp shoes).

They say you get the dog you needed, not the dog you wanted. I'm here to say, I did :)

 To Vinnie, Reese & Niles- The best dogs a girl could ask for; unique in their own ways. Thank you for teaching me what's most important in life.

XO