Becoming a Boundary Boss

I didn't realize how few (if any) boundaries I had in my life, until I stumbled upon this podcast.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that The Terri Cole show podcast has changed my life. Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, and she covers a variety of topics in the personal development space. She focuses a lot on establishing boundaries, co-dependence, recovering from people pleasing, and other areas that I didn't even realize were huge challenges in my life until I listened to her.

If you're on a self development journey (or frankly, even if you're not), these topics are critical to delve into. If you want to really take charge of your life, and work to live a life that you love, you have to challenge the things in your life currently that get in the way of that goal. For me, people pleasing (and a lack of boundaries as a result) was a major factor in why I wasn't leading a life of my own making. Or a life of intention. I was letting my desire to please other people, to be liked, to not ruffle feathers, to be seen as "good," control my actions and behavior. Living in a way where you're looking to please others vs. choosing yourself just isn't authentic, and it's unsustainable. You will eventually become resentful. If you're in the thick of people pleasing, chances are you don't even realize how it's negatively affecting you. One way to know for sure is to ask yourself if you choose the needs/wants of others over your own when making decisions.

I am honestly still in recovery when it comes to people pleasing, but I've definitely made huge strides and can tell you that it's made a huge difference in my life. It started with recognizing where I was people pleasing (so many areas of my life) and considering an alternative behavior on my part. Once I opened the door to considering where I was people pleasing, the flood gates were open. I realized I was letting my people pleasing behavior take over most areas of my life. I realized that I was the only one responsible for taking control of my destiny, and that no one else was going to prioritize my needs and wants except me. I use to think that if I prioritized other peoples needs and wants, they would sort of "have my back" too. Until I realized that wasn't always the case. So then I realized the other person was benefiting strongly from our relationship, while I wasn't. Terri Cole talks about this notion of unspoken agreements, where we get into these relationship dynamics with people where there are these sort of unspoken rules and expectations within the relationship. Well what about when those unspoken rules don't work anymore? It's not a healthy dynamic to get into. To give an example- it's like the friend who you know only does nice things for you when they're expecting something in return, even though they don't say it out loud. And you, in response, do what you believe they want you to do in return. It's not an authentic dynamic. It's one of unspoken agreements that for whatever reason you've gotten into a pattern of with the other person. These patterns are hard to break, but necessary if you want to live authentically. Particularly for women, many of us were raised to believe that it's  selfish to prioritize our own needs and wants. But the reality is that we are in charge of our own happiness. It's an inside job, and it's no one else's but our own. We have to protect our interests. And if you've been a super star people pleaser, you're going to have to start by establishing some boundaries.

It will not be easy, especially in the beginning. You'll feel like crap, like you're being selfish, etc. And you'll get tested. Really tested. Especially by people who have been use to you responding in a certain way, they will really test your new resolve to set limits. As Terri Cole taught me, the people who will struggle the most with your new boundaries are the people who most benefited from your lack of boundaries :) It will also probably be the hardest people in your life to set boundaries with, because those patterns are so deeply engrained. And people don't like change! Especially when you're changing and they're not. You've introduced a disruption in their life that they hadn't planned for. And that they may not like. But if these people love you and want what's best for you, they'll be supportive of your changed behavior- even if they don't like it. And if they aren't, then they were meant for a reason and a season and not meant to be in your life forever (or they may be someone you just need to separate yourself from for some time, and revisit the relationship later in life). Terri Cole explains that boundaries are meant to become closer to people, not to push them away. Because when you're authentically you, you can have closer, real relationships with people. Not having boundaries on the flip side, will lead you to eventual resentment of these people.

So what do boundaries look like? The first step is to start to examine your relationships with others and acknowledge where you may compromise yourself in order to please others. Then ask yourself if the way you're responding to people is authentic to what you want. If it's honest. And if it's not, you start to come up with ideas for the alternatives. In an ideal world, how would you instead respond? What do you need to do to get to that place of response? Or in some cases, to not respond if that's what's appropriate. I found one of my biggest boundary issues was how responsive I always was to everyone. In all areas of my life. I prided myself on having a high sense of urgency, and responding quickly to people. I didn't even realize how exhausting it was to always be "on call" so to speak- ready to respond at any point. And a lot of that was self imposed! And by responding in this way, I was showing people I was always available to them. But did I want to be? Was that prioritizing my own life? I didn't realize how utterly exhausting my people pleasing behavior was! One of the first things I've done overall is to establish a morning routine- and that morning routine includes not being available by phone, email and social media until I've prioritized the things that are most important to me in the morning (my walk with the dogs, workout, etc.). This is a way I prioritize my needs, and set boundaries around my availability to other peoples needs on a daily basis.

If you're new to the idea of boundary setting, we're coming up on the perfect time to consider setting boundaries in your own life. The holidays. It's such an overwhelming time of year for so many of us. We're all balancing different commitments in our lives, from work (and those fun Q4 requirements for so many to tie up the year with a bow) to family, and all the other life stuff that crops up unexpectedly. Ideally, the holidays should be a time of joy and celebration. What does that look like to you, though? Have you considered it? Or do you just go with what's always been done, or what's important to everyone else? A perfect example- many of us have traditions established with family, that never get disrupted because it's just "the way it's always been done." Which, fine if it works! What if it doesn't anymore? The pandemic was a big awakening for many of us, where we were forced to change tradition due to social distancing. Maybe it made you miss your previously established traditions, or maybe it made you realize you'd rather start new traditions. Or just try something different every year and mix it up. It's important to not just do things the way they've always been done just because it doesn't rock the boat. Especially if the way things have always been done doesn't work for you. Or maybe you're just taking a baby step in the direction. Maybe you're still going to Aunt Sally's for Christmas, but you're going to limit how much time you spend there, because you want to prioritize your time spent at home with your kids, or whatever. Disclaimer: just because you decide to set a boundary that's good for you, doesn't mean others will accept it or be happy about it. And that's ok. The whole challenge with boundary setting is that you have to prioritize what's right for you REGARDLESS of how others will react. It's not our job to make everyone else happy. That was a really hard concept for me, as someone who wanted to make sure everyone was ok with my choices, or that they were happy even above my own happiness. Just deliver your boundary from a loving place, and with kindness. You don't have to shout from the rooftops "I hate Christmas at Aunt Sally's!!!" to get your point across, obviously.

If you're curious about your own tendency towards people pleasing and challenges with boundary setting, I can't recommend Terri Cole's podcast enough. And beyond that, especially with the holidays around the corner, I highly recommend her book Boundary Boss. She narrates the audio version which I highly recommend because as soon as you hear her voice on her podcast, you'll see why ;) She's just got such a soothing vibe to the messages she shares. She makes you feel armed to be that Boundary Boss you're dying to be.

Working on becoming a boundary boss is one of the hardest things I've had to tackle. But I recognize it's the only way for me to truly live the life I want. I have to prioritize and take care of myself, and it's no one's job but my own.  

Xo