Self Reflections - Space & Control

Warning- this one’s gonna ready like a diary entry I wrote after 3 cups of coffee…

A little all over the place, and maybe not 100% figured out. But it’s a blog, so I figure imperfection is ok ;) I had an aha moment about myself this weekend. As I talk/write through it, maybe it's not really all that revolutionary. Bear with me lol. I guess the part that is interesting to me is that I realized that while cognitively I may not have been aware of this in myself, intuitively I knew. Intuitively, my gut always drew me to what was best suited to me- without me putting words to it. Now I have the words to put to it.

I went out with a group of friends this weekend. We were seated in a bar area, towards the entrance so relatively highly trafficked. As the night went on, I could feel myself getting more… overwhelmed/uncomfortable/on high alert. Like at a nervous system level. As I've spent so much time on self awareness over the past almost decade, I immediately recognized it for what it was- it was the HSP (highly sensitive person) in me coming out. The triggers are usually the same, so it's easy for me to recognize now that I understand it. Volume increasing, space becoming minimized, and when in a group setting- this sort of vying for attention/air time. Everyone wanting their voice to be heard, leading to a lot of people talking over each other. At that point I can feel myself getting frazzled, where I feel like I don't know where to focus my attention. If it's not deep, meaningful conversation with one person where I can really zone in, I can feel myself just drowning in the "noise" of small talk going on around me and I don't know where to focus. All of this I totally understand to be part of being a highly sensitive person. It's just how I'm wired. But here's where the aha moment came in. I realized that I need space, and I subconsciously seek control of the environment around me. And I'm craving it more and more as time goes on.

I realized that without knowing it, I've largely put myself in circumstances/set up my world in a way where I can be in control, and where I can be in a position where I can "duck out"/create space when I need to. I think the control is a symptom of feeling a lack of ability to control my destiny as a kid. Subconsciously I think I've felt that if I can control my environment, I can create the space that I need. Which is what is comfortable to me. I never realized that I do this, but now looking back- I can see that I was literally always drawn to circumstances where this would be the setup. As far as being in control, more often than not I was put in or put myself in leadership/management type roles. It allowed me some level of control which I think was comforting to control situations and my environment, and it allowed me the "authority" or position to be able to get out of a situation/have time and space alone to reset/recharge. I realize this dates back awhile.

When I was in college I became an RA, which was the perfect setup- it allowed me to be involved and in a leadership role, and also allowed me space- in the form of a single room to myself- where I could reset/recharge whenever I needed to. A luxury in terms of a college experience. In my career, most of my jobs involved being in a management position where I had my own office where I could retreat to. I've now built a business which allows me the ultimate control in doing things the way I want and setting up the environment as I see fit. As I'm getting older and becoming more and more self aware, I'm realizing how much of a need for space I have. Both physical space and mental space. And that it's only increasing. I need a break from my senses being overwhelmed, and a space to just think. Or to not think if that's what I need. As far as the control goes- that's something I really want to be able to release more. I don't want to feel that need to be in control. Frankly, it's exhausting. And I think it's a response that has served me in some ways, while hurting me in other ways. It's something I have to figure out. I'll earmark that for a separate thing to work through LOL… just add it to the list ;)

I think a big part of the appeal of this blog for me has been the space to think. To ponder. To create. To just be. And share it, of course :) As a kid, I remember being a constant day dreamer. I was always very capable of "playing on my own" and self entertaining. I didn't get bored easily. I could entertain myself with the simplest of things, and create some sort of imaginary world where they turned into something else. I was never terribly interested in school as far as the classes went, because I usually couldn't stay too focused on whatever was being taught- my mind was off on it's own. Mulling over whatever it deemed more interesting. I think it's why I'm always thinking about my purpose- because it's always changing. Why I maybe never commit myself 100% to one thing- it's like I have one foot holding the door open in case something catches my interest. I like the freedom and the opportunity to be able to pivot. To explore. Even if it's just in my mind- it's like my brain craves the opportunity to go down the "what if" rabbit hole.

There are people who know exactly who they are and what they're here to do. I use to be envious of that, and I felt like I was wrong for not being like that. At almost 40, I'm still figuring out who I am. But now I'm totally cool with that. In fact, I prefer it. I don't think I'm built to be on one track my entire life. I think I'm a dabbler. I think I need the change, the space, and the freedom to figure it out as I go. Years ago when I was seeing a Reiki practitioner, she said to me during multiple sessions- sometimes years apart- that she saw me with a diploma in my hand and one of those graduation hats with the tassels lol. I use to take it really literally and didn't understand what it meant for me. But maybe it's just that I'm here to be a constant student. I'm becoming more and more ok with that.

Thanks for reading- this may have been a dumpster fire of a post LOL. It was a true stream of consciousness type of post that clearly hasn't totally settled in my brain. But maybe it resonates with someone, and if it doesn’t- that’s ok to. I gave myself what I thought I needed- the space to think, and share out loud <3

Xo