Showing Up
Sometimes the work is just in showing up.
Sometimes showing up means being vulnerable when it's the last thing you want to do. Sometimes it's moving past the fear, or just doing it alongside the fear anyway. Sometimes it's putting aside the story you've made up about a situation, and proceeding anyway. Sometimes it's doing the work, when you least want to do it. Last week, I didn't show up here, to the blog. It's only the second time since June 1, when I committed to myself that I would show up here every week and write as a way to process things I'm learning, that I didn't show up. The reason I didn't show? I didn't know what to say. And it wasn't for lack of deep thoughts or working through a number of things. On the flip side, I was so deep in it- I wasn't sure how to even process it out loud here. I half- jokingly confessed to Jeb, "yeah well, I'm not gonna go on there and be like well frankly I am a hot dumpster fire of a mess right now so yeahhhhh anybody out there listening can feel free to send their tips my way." Half joking. Ok it's a really dramatic way of explaining how I felt, but if you know me- and frankly, most of you do lol… you know I use humor- a lot. Perhaps sometimes I use it as a crutch, to sort of half tell you what's on my mind that's bothering me, without making it seem like I'm not ok. And honestly as I type this- I really am ok. There are just so many things swirling around in this head of mine right now, that it's actually still a little hard for me to process.
A lot of times when I'm thinking about what I'm going to write about each week, there's a particular topic that week that's heavy on my mind. I usually instinctively know it's what I want to process out loud. It really doesn't take much thought, and I'm really just in the flow. The past few weeks, if I'm being honest- I haven't felt in the flow. It's felt a little forced to come up with what I want to talk about. And it's not for shortage of things on my mind. I just haven't known how to narrow it down, make it read coherently, and known how it would be relevant to anyone outside of my experience. And while I do write to help myself process, ultimately I mostly hope that whatever I'm going through can be helpful to someone else who is maybe going through something similar. And I guess I haven't known how to be helpful, while I've been trying to sort things out for myself.
I can just feel big shifts within myself, and things getting unearthed. Things I need to work through. A lot of it is old stuff, old stories or situations. But all of it ties into things I experience in my day to day life. I think a big milestone birthday around the corner also has me thinking a lot. I'm not one of those to worry about passing time in that kind of way. But I've more been thinking to myself- who do I want to be? Am I who I want to be? Am I becoming who I want to be? In a lot of ways, I'm grateful that I can say yes. But there are definitely areas with room for improvement.
One of the things I was thinking about is this idea of what we do when no one is watching. What we do for ourselves, that shows our character and our commitment to ourself. None of us are perfect of course, and slip ups happen. But I was thinking about what me not showing up here last week means to me. The reality is, maybe people noticed or maybe they didn't. But what did not showing up here mean to me? Because if I'm being really honest- one of the things I told myself was that it didn't really matter that much. That not many people would notice. But the fact of the matter is, this is a commitment I've made to myself. I want to be someone who does what they say they're going to do. And when it comes to other people, I never slip up. I really don't. I am someone you can rely on. The promises I make to myself should be of even higher importance, shouldn't they?
So today I'm showing up, because that's the person I want to be. The person who shows up, even when it's not easy, when I don't know what to say, or when I think I don't have anything to offer. And by the way, I don't mean for this post to be as vague or unclear as it definitely reads. I'm not trying to hide anything about what I'm processing, so much as- I'm not able to verbalize it yet. I'm sure I will gain clarity on everything exactly as I'm meant to, when I'm meant to. And then I will share whatever I can, in the hopes it helps even one of you who reads this. Until then, I'm just going to word vomit a list of emotions and concepts I've been wrestling with and that have been weighing on me. Maybe just that for now will let you know you're not alone if you're grappling with any of this (in no particular order): ego, comparison, shame, self worth, fear, lack, purpose, family dynamics, loneliness, abandonment, ancestral wounds, birth order, narcissism, karma, adult friendship, rejection, being on the outside, not wanting to adult, taxes, the need to hermit, lack of sun. Disclaimer: if after reading this list of word vomit you think, "oh sh*t, she needs help- I better check on her." Please- don't :) For all I list here, I have a lot of great things going on in my life too that take up lots of space in my head and heart. This is not a cry for help, promise. On the contrary. These are just my things to work through, my work. No one can work though this but me. And deep down I know- this is all happening for me. I hope if you're dealing with any of these topics in your own world, that it gives you comfort to know that you are not alone. Maybe your list looks different, and that's ok too. We've all got our stuff.
Today I show up here for me. I hope you do the same for yourself <3
Xo
