Belonging

A soul dumping on my recent processing of family transitions.

I went to the beach by myself over the Labor Day weekend. Not an uncommon occurrence for me to go by myself, but I typically go on less busy days than the last big holiday weekend of the summer. To say there was people watching was an understatement :D What I found my attention drawn to was all the family units there together. There was a time in my life growing up where that happened for me too- a family beach trip. I have nothing but fond memories of it. But now here I am at 39, with a very different family unit. There's the family I've made, consisting of my husband and dogs. There's the family I gained by marrying my husband, and then there's my origin family. My origin family has gone through some major transitions over the years, leaving it….fractured. It will never be the way it was, and it's unclear what it will look like in the future. It's new territory that I'm emotionally working through. I realized what an open wound it is from my time at the beach, seeing other families. But it wasn’t about them, obviously- or the limited insight I have into them by just watching from a birds eye. It was just something that triggered a lot of feelings. At this stage in my life, I've come to understand that it's important to recognize and mourn the things in your life that aren't what they used to be, or what you thought they could or would be. There's no need to push the feelings down and pretend it shouldn't be a big deal or that it doesn't hurt.  

So many of us build our own version of a family, whatever that may look like, to deal with our experience with our family of origin. Whether that means replicating our experience, or creating something totally different from our experience- our family of origin shapes our world view and what family means to us. From my limited viewpoint as a kid growing up, I felt pretty lucky when it came to family. It wasn't a Clark Griswold family Christmas per say, but from the outside looking in- it probably appeared that way. And compared to the experience of many children, I was very very lucky. But one reason that my perspective was pretty rosie was that there was a lot that was left unsaid. Like many families of my generation, it was not acceptable to voice your issues or concerns, or to say anything that went against the grain, so to speak. So if you had a "problem" with anything, your options were: suck it up and put a smile on your face, or suck it up and put a smile on your face. Many in my family used substances to cope with the things they couldn't talk about. So all that lead to was a lot of people with various addictions, and all the issues still tucked away and not talked about or dealt with. The worst part is, it's all with the best of intentions. No one wants to ruffle anyone's feathers, make anyone upset, cause "drama" or be in any way difficult. It's people pleasing, plain and simple. But what you have to compromise of yourself, the square peg in the round hole you have to become, is the ultimate price. But we do it because we want to belong.

The past few years in my family people have finally started to be honest with one another. The "dirty laundry" that's been molding in the washer for years is finally being aired out. While I am super grateful that we've reached a point of authenticity, we all knew the consequences of being honest. We're in the midst of that. Understanding how we fit into each others lives when people have said what they needed to say, or decided on a different path in their lives. I was often in the role of family mediator as the oldest child. But as I've worked on myself over the past few years, I've recognized that's a role I need to step away from. So instead of jumping in to try to help mend things as would be my default, instead I just have to sit in the discomfort. Wait it out. Hope for the best. Find my way with each person in my family individually, since we don't operate as any sort of unit any more. I know it won't be this way forever, as in, it won't always be this painful. We'll find new ways forward with one another, whatever that looks like. While we all continue with the families we've developed, inherited, etc.

All this to say- it's ok to lose your way, your sense of belonging. It's ok to sit in the pain and discomfort, and to just be sad about it. It's ok to not know what's to come, and to mourn what once was. And we don't have to pretend that it's all ok, and that we're all ok. It's ok to not be ok. I tell you this because I need to tell myself this. And to normalize the feeling of loneliness or not belonging, especially in major transition points in your life. And belonging doesn't just come from family either. Maybe you've lost your job, and the sense of belonging that gave you. Maybe you've moved. All these points in our life force us to feel longings for belonging. If you're going through a period of transition in your life and dealing with this, I'm thinking about you. You are not alone, and this won't last forever <3

xo