Adult Friendship

Friendships can be tricky.

As kids it's not so complicated. You become friends out of circumstances like who's in your class or school, or on a sports team, or your neighbors, etc. Not to mention, the requirements of friendship are far less complicated. All you're looking for at that stage is common interest and availability/proximity. As you become an adult and life gets more complicated, so does friendship. What you're looking for out of a friend may be more specific, and life has become way more busy and messy, so there's this need to have friendships that really make your limited time spent worth it with that person.

The first time I really gave adult friendships much thought was when I was in a period of major life transitions. I had left my corporate job and didn't have a job immediately that I was heading into. Couple that with moving out of the city and into the burbs, along with some close friends moving as well. It left me without my built in friendships that I had relied on (and perhaps taken for granted). It also made me realize how much I relied on work based friendships, some of which didn't stand the test of eliminating that element in common. Here's what I've learned about making friends as an adult, as I went about seeking new friendships in my life.

We evolve, and so do our friendships: I think it's amazing to have friends who know all our history, and who have stood the test of time. I'm lucky that I remain friends with a childhood bestie, who I met through a summer job (that’s us pictured above at our summer job!). And while we live states apart, when we see each other it's like no time has passed. And with social media and phones etc, we keep in touch regularly. That said, not all friendships stand the test of time. I fully believe that some friendships are here for a season or a reason, and aren't meant forever. And there's truly nothing wrong with that. We all change, and it's totally normal for friendships to change as well. Really, it's just like a romantic partnership or anything else. So I don't think we need to beat ourselves up over a friendship that just can't work long term. It doesn't make it any less worthwhile and valuable for the time it existed in our lives.

Diversify how you make friends: It's really easy when we're super busy to make friends out of convenience- such as at the office. These friendships can be so fulfilling because you're able to relate on something that takes up so much of your time and life. Many times these friendships can work outside the workplace too. Just make sure that all your time connecting isn't limited to just venting about work, or it's really just a continuation of work vs. downtime. I think it's really valuable to diversify your friendships though, and to not limit them to work based friendships for a number of reasons. 1. it can be hard to not talk about work constantly 2. you may find if you leave a job that the friendship doesn't work outside the office 3. it's good to get perspectives and have things to talk about that are outside of your day to day experience. Maybe you're looking to do something totally different with your career. It's awesome to have friendships where you're able to hear other people's experiences and be able to be open minded about the changes you could make. People tend to be afraid of change, so you may not get the type of support you'd like from friends who aren't super interested in the idea of you leaving them behind. There's also something so fun and refreshing about not having work in common, and being able to make your conversations about totally different things with friends who live very different lives. It's nice for work to not be the total focus of your life.

Diversify the needs your friends fulfill: Sometimes we hit the jackpot and get a friend that we can say or do anything with. But honestly, that is pretty rare. It's more common to have multiple different friends, who we have different relationships with and who serve different purposes in our lives. Maybe one friend is a great workout buddy, while another is great at listening when we need a sounding board. Maybe another is the friend we call when we're looking for a good time and want to get out of the house. We don't need to rely on one person to fulfill all of our friendship needs.

Maintaining friendships: adult friendships take work and time. Which for all of us is limited. It doesn't have to be anything crazy but even just a text letting the person know you're thinking of them, sending them a meme, whatever. If the friendship is important to you, you find little ways to stay connected even when you may not be able to see each other. When life gets busy it's easy for me to forget to do these things that I know are important. But it's just as easy to lose touch if you don't. So for your highest value friendships, even if you have to put a little calendar reminder in, make the effort to show you're thinking about them.

How to make new adult friendships: this area has taken me time to figure out, so hopefully some of what's worked for me can help you if you're looking for new friends! Just last week, I hung out with 3 different friends/friend groups that I met in different ways- something I never could have said a few years ago! It can be really tough to put yourself out there, which feels super vulnerable. Especially if you're introverted or just naturally more shy. It can feel so uncomfortable and can bring up fears around rejection, etc. The best thing I can say on that front is to try to take the pressure off yourself. Put yourself out there, but try not to be so attached to the outcome. If someone is meant to be your friend, it will flow easily and just sort of happen. If you don't get a good vibe, or it feels forced, move on! It's not meant to be. No big deal. It's just like dating in that sense- some people are going to be right for you, and others aren't. And there's unfortunately no way to figure that out but to put yourself out there. And try not to take it personally if you feel rejected in any way. Just move on to the next. My recent rule of thumb is that if I propose hanging out with someone and they say they'll get back to me with their availability, I just wait for that to happen. I don't force it or follow up. If we're meant to hang out, they'll get back to me and it'll happen. And if it doesn't, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to hang with me. Maybe it's just not the right time in their life with what they have going on. I try not to take it personal because so often it's just not. And I know I've done the same thing to other people too when there are times it's just not right for me! But the morale of this story is- do it anyway. Be vulnerable. Put yourself out there. There's really not that much at stake if it doesn't work out. You will find your people, I promise. Here are some different ideas for how to meet people that could become your friends long term-

Newcomer/Neighbor groups: many towns have newcomer groups that you can join to meet people in your town. It's how I met a group of women that I've become friends with, and even if you don't make long term friendships, it's a great way to find things to do when you feel like going out or just meeting new people. Many of these groups will have spin off groups around certain interests too which may be where you find your people, such as book clubs, mom groups, etc.

Classes: there are so many classes that you can take in person, the possibilities are endless. Whether you're into crafty kind of activities, or want to take fitness related classes, find something you're interested in and sign up. You'll already have something in common to talk about when you're in the class with like minded individuals. For my business I host floral arranging classes, and I can't tell you how many people have met in the class and maintained a friendship outside of it. Myself included! And even if you don't maintain a friendship outside the class, it's fun to build a network of people that you recognize even to just say hello to. It makes you feel more connected in your community.

Professional networking: I'm not someone who naturally enjoys professional networking. The idea of "selling myself" frankly makes me want to off myself LOL. It just feels inauthentic to me. HOWEVER. I have to say. I've forced myself to join some professional groups because as an entrepreneur, it's beneficial. But honestly some of the biggest benefits have been friendships I've made from joining these types of groups. We always think our experience is so different from other peoples but the reality is, there are so many people who feel the same way we do. While the purpose of professional networking groups may really be to promote your business, really your business is just an extension of yourself. And sometimes this is exactly how you meet friends- you don't go about it with that particular mission, but it comes out of something you did for other intentions.

Religious/spiritual groups or volunteering: another great place to meet like minded individuals who share in your beliefs and values, which opens the possibilty to friendship. If nothing else, it's nice to be surrounded by like minded people in your community and to be part of something bigger.

These are all different ways you can put yourself out there, but also keep in mind that often times friendships aren't built when you're trying. That can be hard to hear because we want to control things and especially when we need something, we try our hardest to seek it out. But one example in my own life that I'll share with you, reminds me that we just have to be vulnerable and open in order to make friends, and sometimes those friendships will just find us as a result. I tell this story because it is so random, and such a perfect example of this. During prom season this year, there was a local mom who was looking for recommendations on where to get prom flowers for her son's date. She posted her inquiry on a town Facebook page that's specifically for moms in town, one that I'm not a part of because I'm not a mom. A local business owner that I know who is part of that page recommended me in response. Professionally that was obviously amazing. But on top of that, something else came out of it. Another local woman who is also on the page, but who did not need prom flowers, saw my name recommended and then went to my website and read my story. She felt we had a lot in common and decided to reach out to me via email to see if I'd like to connect. Initially I thought it was going to be a professional networking type of vibe, and I agreed because she was friendly and I respected her vulnerability to reach out. And what did I have to lose? We met up at a coffee shop on a weekday morning, and we instantly connected. It became clear this wasn't going to be a professional networking situation. What it became instead was a fast friendship. The type where you meet someone and feel like you must have known each other in another life because you can't even explain how connected you feel to them. In the course of two friendship dates, we've managed to bring each other up to speed on most of our lives and histories. I've had friendships for years that never got to that point. How amazing is that? I tell this story because a. it's random and it's important to just be open to possibilities that you never know what they could become and b. to tell you it's ok to be vulnerable. I've told this new girlfriend that I am so grateful to her for vulnerably reaching out to me, because imagine if she didn't and we never got to meet? Oh and c. it's good to release expectations. Remember that I went into meeting her thinking if was a professional networking thing. I quickly realized that wasn't what it was going to be, which I was totally cool with. Getting a friendship out of the deal felt like a way bigger bonus.

I know how hard it can be to feel like you have to start over with building new friendships, especially in big life transition moments. And putting yourself out there can be the hardest part. But there is so much to gain from our adult friendships. From the added joy to your life that makes life worth living, to the connections you can make and people you have to relate to and lean on when life get’s really tough, our adult friendships are invaluable. So don’t let that awkwardness of putting yourself out there hold you back. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Xo